Savage Love Episode 1036

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_11] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un.

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_05] If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, Savage Lovecast.

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_06] Two heartwarming stories of Uplift to start the show this week. Our first story takes us to the Download Festival in England, where a young man, Innes Miller, was lucky enough to meet a young woman at the all-day open-air concert there. They were into each other, they were a little fucked up, which, you know, most people at music festivals can be found at some point along the fucked-up spectrum. And this young man and this young woman wanted to be alone, and there was nowhere to be alone.

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_06] They were waiting in a field with thousands of other people for the main act to take the stage. And then they saw it in the distance. Not a port-a-potty, but a Ferris wheel. And not the kind with open-air benches, but the kind with glass-enclosed pods. Sort of Ferris wheel, gondola style. So they got a pod to themselves, they got a room with a view, and they went for it.

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_06] But while the pod was glass-enclosed, the glass was not opaque, it was not frosted. The glass was designed so the people in the pod on the Ferris wheel could appreciate the view. But that means their concert-goers on the ground, if they looked up, could appreciate the view themselves, the view into the pod. I have seen the video, the videos plural that went crazy viral.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_06] And Miller and his new friend could clearly be seen in their pod on the Ferris wheel having sex. Police were notified, but the ride and the blowjob were over by the time the police arrived. They put out still images and set about locating the couple at the festival. And while most of the crowd, according to reports in New Music Express, was not offended, the crowd cheered, at least one person was offended.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_06] There was a mom on the Ferris wheel with her tween son at the time of the incident, and the kids saw everything. Because I guess the mom was in too much shock to do that classic parental move of clapping your hands over your kids' eyes. Here's where things get a little weird. The woman involved, the woman who gave the blowjob, was contrite when interviewed by the police. She basically said, oh shit, sorry, my bad. And those were the magic words, I guess, so far as the police were concerned.

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_06] Charges against her were dropped, and her name and her age were not released to the public. But Miller, for his part, and his part, judging from the videos I saw, yeah, his part was considerable. He wouldn't say sorry. So he got arrested. He got charged. He got put on trial. Now, seems to me that if someone isn't in trouble for giving you a blowjob, you shouldn't be in trouble for getting that blowjob,

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_06] so long as we're talking about consensual blowjobs. And it's not technically illegal to have sex in a public place in the UK. Again, according to New Music Express, which was all over this story, so long as you don't think, while you're having public sex, that you can be seen. You can make a reasonable assumption that you will not be seen. And Miller and this young woman both claimed they did not think they could be seen, which is not a claim that stands up to scrutiny.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_06] Another interesting wrinkle in the law, it is not illegal to have sex in public places in the UK, except in public toilets, which seems pretty homophobic now. Sex in public toilets isn't something all gay men enjoy. It's never been my thing because blech. Blech. But late pop star George Michael famously defended cottaging, which is what the Brits call hooking up in public toilets, as a part of gay culture that straight people would never understand and shouldn't judge or police.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_06] So, a law that legalizes public sex everywhere, people believe they could stand a good chance of not being observed, except the one place where gay people have public sex, usually without being observed, public toilets, cottages. Hard not to see that as a homophobic double standard. Anyway, back to Miller and this woman. She was let off. He got off. Miller was dragged into court, where he faced a 5,000 pound fine and up to six months in prison.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_06] Miller's lawyers argued that he had suffered enough after the blowjob scene around the festival and around the world. He'd found out about the viral video from his employer, who called him while he was still at the festival to tell him he was all over the internet. That call from his boss itself is punishment enough for what happened that day, Miller's lawyers told the court. He's thoroughly ashamed and embarrassed. Miller was found guilty. No jail time,

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_06] but an 80 pound fine, 85 pounds in court costs, and a 32 pound victim surcharge. The victim surcharge being paid, I presume, to the mom in the next pod over with her son. I promised you uplift in this story, and I think there are two kinds. The literal kind. Miller and that young woman were literally lifted up into the air, but there's symbolic uplift here too. At a time when young straight people are barely having sex,

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_06] at a time when they're rarely leaving the house, Miller and this young woman showed them, they showed the crowd how it's done, go places, do things, meet people, and you might just get laid. Now, Miller himself is 33 years old, so a younger millennial, not a member of Gen Z, and it is Gen Z who aren't going places, doing things, meeting people, taking risks, and having sex. And the lineup at the Download Festival, Guns N' Roses, Limp Bizkit, and Lincoln Park,

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_06] doesn't sound like it's going to attract a lot of Gen Z concert goers, but there were, in the videos that I saw, lots of young people at the festival. The woman Miller hooked up with looked like a member of Gen Z herself, and millions of people who weren't at the Download Festival, including millions of Gen Z adults, sitting on their couches, in their mom's basements, with their devices in their hands, they saw the video after it went viral. And what they saw, again, is how it's done. Go places, do things,

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_06] meet people. Now, Miller and his new friend could have made a better choice about where they did it. Maybe a port-a-potty, not a Ferris wheel. But if they hadn't done it there, lifted up into the air, for all to see and point their phones at and record, this important lesson, go places, do things, meet people, would not have been broadcast to the world. And to all the Gen Z kids out there who need to see it. Our next uplifting story didn't make the news.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_06] This one involves a personal friend, new to Seattle a few years ago, came to town to go to college, did not know anyone. Everyone bitches about the gay hookup apps, how dehumanizing they are, how they turn people into commodities, and how they often bring out the worst in people. You show up, you get used, you get shown the door, you get tossed out. Grindr stories, when people share them, are almost always grim. So when this new friend, a young friend, friend of my husband's boyfriend,

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_06] who is a young person himself, launched into his new in town Grindr story, I braced for the worst. He meets a hot torso on Grindr. The torso asks my friend how he's doing. And people who ask that don't usually want to know. They just want to know whether you'll be doing them soon. But my friend asked if he could give an honest answer to that pro forma question. And surprisingly, the torso didn't block him. The torso said, yeah, you can be honest. My friend said,

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_06] yeah, he was horny. Hence, he had downloaded Grindr again, but he was also new in town and lonely and isolated. The torso wanted to fuck. That's why torsos get on Grindr. But instead of blocking my friend, the torso asked my friend if maybe he wanted to go to the zoo of all places, just to walk around, look at the animals and talk, which is what they did.

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_06] Just like we don't hear enough about successful threesomes, we're much likely to hear about threesomes that end in disaster. I feel like we don't hear about those moments of grace and human connection that sometimes happen or get their start on the hookup apps. We hear about the bad experiences. We hear about the dehumanizing ones. And just as there are lots of disastrous threesomes out there, there are lots of bad experiences that get their start on Grindr. But just like I think it helps sometimes to hear about the successful threesomes so people know

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_06] they're possible, they also then know what they look like, what they have in common, and maybe how to have one, I think we need to hear more about those moments of kindness and connection and grace that can sometimes happen when two people are brought together on a hookup app. If we got on the apps knowing that human connection is possible and human connection takes many forms of getting your ass fucked by a nice stranger, is one form human kindness can take, I feel like we might be less likely

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_06] to dehumanize others when we're on the apps and to tolerate people who dehumanize us. All right, coming up on this week's show, a woman wonders if her skin would benefit from frequent facials and not the kind of facials you get on the spa, the kind of facials you ask sex advice columnists about. And a gay man worries he's sending the wrong message when he wears jockstraps to sex parties. Isn't everyone going to assume since he's flashing ass that he is a bottom? And on the Magnum this week,

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_06] I have a great conversation with filmmaker, actor, and unapologetic fetish content creator Julian Shaw. We talk about the moment he realized he needed to come out as straight for a long time for reasons. Everyone thought Julian was gay. And then we discussed the dangers of parasocial relationships in sex work and how to make cam work, if you choose to do it, work for you. That's on the Magnum. If you subscribe to the Magnum, if you become one of my subs, you get a longer show

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_06] with more guests and no ads, you get more Savage Love, you get invites to Savage Love Lives, which have been fucking on fire lately, you get so much more. Become a sub now, become my sub now. Go to savage.love slash subscribe, where you can also gift a subscription if there's somebody out there that you think needs to be my sub. And on After Action Report this week...

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_11] I walked in, I closed the door, I took a deep breath, I got real present because I'm like, if I'm going to do this, I want to be here. I don't want to fly out of my body with nerves. And so I did a 30-second meditation practice to get focused on this stranger's dick.

[00:11:16] [SPEAKER_06] Want to hear the whole thing? Oh, yes, you do. And you can when After Action Report hits your feeds, Magnum subs and micro listeners alike this Friday. All right, Nancy, let's get to the first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get up to 27% off site-wide plus two free dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage.

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_06] This episode is brought to you by Mack Weldon, timeless, innovative menswear to help you move through the day with confidence. Get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code savage at mackweldon.com. This episode is brought to you by VB Health, doctor-formulated supplements that work. To learn more about Load Boost, Drive Boost, and soaking wet and to get 10% off, visit vb.health and use the code

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_06] savage.

[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_07] Hi, Dan and the gang. This is an early 40s Dutch guy now traveling in the UK. I am in my car because I was about to see a couple for an MMF threesome and we were discussing terms. All seemed to go very well. She was a sub. He was negotiating with me about how we would organize the scene and she would be waiting in lingerie with a blindfold

[00:12:45] [SPEAKER_07] and then she would please and service Volkervos. And his last question before I was about to drive off is where do you want to come? And I said truthfully because I'm a very truthful person that at the moment I have trouble coming consistently. So if I don't come then please don't worry about it but I have no erectile dysfunction. It works well. Then there was a longer pause and then came the message that this was a deal breaker

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_07] and we would call it off. So clearly this is disappointing and I'm left thinking about whether I should have said anything at all or just in the moment you know see if I'm going to come or not and maybe this was too much information in this situation but on the other hand I can understand that they all get off on seeing me finish. My real question I think is not whether I should have said anything my real question is what I can do about this to come more consistently

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_07] and to gain more sensitivity. This is a side effect from an antidepressant of which I'm taking a very low dose but in my early 40s I was already having a bit of trouble coming consistently and yeah going forward and also next year when I'm coming off this medication I would like to pick that up but is there anything I could do right now to come more consistently yeah I don't know make myself more sensitive I guess.

[00:14:10] [SPEAKER_06] so obviously this couple that rejected you at the last moment when you told them that it was unlikely that you would ejaculate that moment was really important to them they like to have sex with other people they like to have these MMF threesomes he obviously hopefully with her full consent enjoys whoring her out and she wants to be whored out in this way and the moment the other guy comes on her or in her

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_06] is really central to this sexual fantasy and one of the reasons or the chief reason why they set this up she is a cum slut and wants to be cummed as the kids say cummed on or in and yeah that was disqualifying it was a deal breaker for them that you were unlikely to ejaculate and yeah that sucks it always sucks to get rejected

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_06] constant theme on the show sucks to get rejected also sucks to set up an elaborate sexual experience that has some built-in risk and for that one moment that you're hopefully both of them are obsessed about that moment not to cum would be disappointing and they would rather avoid that disappointment than go through the motions and then not have your climax but that wasn't your question your question was what can you do about this what can you do cum more consistently

[00:15:38] [SPEAKER_06] if this is a side effect of your SSRI selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and you're slowly weaning yourself off them you're going to go off these meds eventually that is a problem fingers crossed that will solve itself and I don't think you should worry too much about it in fact I think you should lean into this as a kind of superpower yes there are a lot of people out there who want to see the person that they're fucking come and they're

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_06] invested in that moment it's a pleasure for them that moment when the other person reaches the point of orgasmic inevitability and goes over the falls and you aren't that person but there are others out there who would love to fuck somebody who never comes who is always hard who can go and go and go yeah there are people out there who want five to seven minutes of penetrative sex in and out and can't go on forever don't want it to go on forever but there are people out there who want to get fucking fucked

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_06] for 45 minutes and there aren't a lot of men out there who can fuck and stay hard for 45 minutes and never come you are that guy right now you might want to lead with that not as a defect but as a super power and you can experiment when you're masturbating when you're alone with firing on all cylinders as I like to call it you've been on ssris it's made climaxes harder to

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_06] obtain a little more difficult for you to get to that point of orgasmic inevitability are you also sticking a plug in your ass playing with your tits engaging in verbal stimulating the biggest sex organ you have which is the one between your ears which is really easy to your dick before you went on antidepressants obviously isn't working for you and your dick now or takes longer to work for you

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_06] and your dick now have you added other things not just stimulation of your penis not just PIV not just penetrative sex have you added other things are you having your tits played with is there a vibrating plug in your ass are you engaging in other forms of stimulation of your penis and help get you and your dick there if there is a place you and your dick want to get more reliably that might help in the

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_06] lives and your junk is working differently right now disqualifyingly for this couple the way your junk works right now but it will be qualifying for some

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_10] giving herself constant facials from her husband semen now my friend ran with this thinks it's a great idea she's hilarious she was gonna do it either way no judgment on her I'm sure we could look it up and see whether this is actually a thing or maybe the lady was fucking with her but I would rather than Google it I would just rather hear you talk about it my favorite

[00:19:29] [SPEAKER_06] facials and she thinks she's getting something else out of those facials more power to her I hope she continues to enjoy the facials it could just be a coincidence that she has great skin correlation is not causation we have since I haven't Googled it no way of knowing whether there's causation at play here my hunch is probably not but who cares we've all heard of the placebo fact actually

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[00:21:49] [SPEAKER_02] Dan I'm a mid-40s cis mostly straight white guy and I say mostly being kind of theoretical when I was younger in my 20s I messed around a bit with some guys just like jobs and stuff but nothing any more than that I'm recently out of a long-term relationship with a bi woman and I kind of want to explore more of my bi side but I'm not really

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_06] sure what to do you could go to a sauna you could get on the apps you could join a gym I just got a letter at savage love from a guy in his 50s who doesn't think he's any great shakes in the looks department but was being followed into the saunas at the gym by much younger much hotter guys and wanted my advice on how to handle that look there's dick everywhere to paraphrase Roxy Hart there's men everywhere dick everywhere boys everywhere nowadays actually there have been men everywhere boys everywhere dick

[00:22:59] [SPEAKER_06] everywhere forever there's never been a dick shortage all you gotta do is put yourself out there if you are not looking for a relationship you say you're not looking for a relationship okay most guys especially guys at the saunas or guys on hookup apps are not looking for relationships either they might be open to a relationship if something clicks but they're certainly not on grinder or sniffies looking for a relationship and if you're not looking to bottom okay

[00:23:29] [SPEAKER_06] most guys aren't most guys are looking for tops most guys out or want to fuck if it's a hot guy and the only thing on the menu the only thing on offer is mutual masturbation or oral sex most guys who are gay or bi are going

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_06] piv two men can't default to vaginal intercourse they have to have a conversation straight people opposite sex couples all too often get to consent and then stop talking about what's going to happen because vaginal intercourse is assumed it is the default setting two guys go to bed for the first time one or the other or sometimes both together will look at each other and say what are you into it is tremendously empowering I wish straight people would steal the four magic words from gay people and say it to each other at the beginning of every

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_06] sexual encounter what are you into what are you up for what do do that will out there what are you into you can put that all out there and then you will be approached by guys who are looking for what

[00:25:09] [SPEAKER_06] you're selling but where to start leave the house yeah if there's a gay sauna near you there's a sex club or bath house that you feel comfortable going into go yeah no one in that building is looking for a relationship and not everyone in that building is going to and you can get on the apps and you can join a gym and you can go to the gay bars again there's men

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[00:27:16] [SPEAKER_00] hi Dan I'm calling in because I'm trying to up my blowjob game for my husband what is the best position to be in for face fucking what's the best position for me to be in getting my face fucked and what is the best position for him doing the thrusting I can't seem to get my positioning right when I'm lying back

[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_00] and he's on top of me I've tried a pillow under my neck I've tried without it and it still doesn't seem to be fully immersive there's

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_06] no one position that works for all dicks all mouths you really have to do what

[00:28:43] [SPEAKER_06] and give him a blowjob because it just sort of slid down your throat. He was very self-conscious about that for a long time until he realized that it was ta-da-ta-da, as so many things are. It was a superpower. There are other guys whose dicks I've sucked where the dick points straight out or a little up and it's impossible to kneel in front of them and give a blowjob. You have to find other positions that work, like them lying on their back in the bed

[00:29:11] [SPEAKER_06] and you kind of getting into the 69 position so that that dick that has a straight-up point is sliding down your throat as opposed to hammering the top of your soft palate. So continue to experiment. Continue to try different positions. Consider also, if you can't get that dick all the way in, wrapping a fist around it. There's a sex toy called O-rings that you can put around the base of a dick that basically shorten that dick.

[00:29:41] [SPEAKER_06] It's not just the length of the dick. It's also the depth of your throat and what you're capable of. And not everybody's capable of taking their husband's dick all the way down their throat. And you might not be fully capable of that. And other things you will have to experiment with. Ways of shortening the length of that dick without in any way diminishing the pleasure of the blowjob that he's receiving subjectively on his end. So, yeah, I can't assign you a position that's magically going to work.

[00:30:10] [SPEAKER_06] You're going to have to find that position for yourself by continuing to experiment. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Soaking Wet by VB Health. Your vagina works hard and you should reward her with the gift of juicy joy. Soaking Wet is packed with the good stuff. It has probiotics, prebiotics, and the kind of vitamins that are beneficial for vaginas.

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[00:31:26] [SPEAKER_09] Hi, Dan, Nancy, and the tech-savvy youth. I have a question about intrusive thoughts during sex. I'm wondering what the psychology is behind them and sort of why they happen and if there's anything that can be done to stop them. I'm a very visual person and, you know, this happens to me from time to time. But lately, this thing has been happening that's like almost too on the nose, like from a psychological point of view. I was recently sort of demoted at work

[00:31:54] [SPEAKER_09] and I have a new manager who's a white man and the environment is a bit sexist as it is and I don't think the whole thing was justified. So I'm, you know, kind of angry about it. I don't hate this guy or anything. It's just like such an obvious, boring, corporate thing that happens to women. And so now, during sex with my, like, loving partner and we've got a great sex life, I'm having the image of this guy's face kind of pop up very unwantedly at times and not in like a sexual way

[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_09] but almost like my brain is trying to ruin the moment for me. It's really annoying. Obviously, this is something I want to talk to my therapist about but I'm just wondering if you have any thoughts on it. I'd be so interested to hear your point of view.

[00:32:35] [SPEAKER_06] It does feel a little on the nose and does feel like something you should maybe talk with your therapist about. Anybody experiencing intrusive thoughts that are derailing sex should speak with their therapist about intrusive thoughts. CBT, not cock and ball torture, cognitive behavioral therapy, good with helping people resolve issues around intrusive thoughts. But what's the odd knows about it is there's this guy who fucked you over at work. You got fucked at work.

[00:33:03] [SPEAKER_06] Not by this guy but with this guy. By your employers. By your corporate overlords. And now when you're getting fucked by your husband, this guy who fucked you at work is appearing to you in a vision. You're thinking about him. Maybe it's one way to work through the anger and emotions that perhaps it sounds like you've suppressed a little bit. You seem very sanguine about this person being promoted over you and getting fucked over by the company that you worked for.

[00:33:33] [SPEAKER_06] And maybe thinking about this guy or thinking about fucking this guy or thinking about this guy fucking you is just taking the large, abstract injustice of how you were fucked at work and making it into this small, actual fucking and that you can fuck your way through the anger and the emotions around it and it'll pass. But if it doesn't, if his face keeps appearing to you superimposed over your husband's face when you're fucking your husband

[00:34:02] [SPEAKER_06] and thoughts of him continue to intrude, definitely something to talk to your therapist about. And if your therapist can't handle it for you or solve it for you, definitely something to talk to someone who specializes in CBT.

[00:34:16] [SPEAKER_04] Hi Dan, gay male from Italy. I have a question about jock straps. When worn at a party or in a place with other gay men, does wearing one imply you're at the bottom or open to receive attention to your butthole? Because I'm a top, but I quite like wearing one and I've been told that I'm sending the wrong message.

[00:34:45] [SPEAKER_06] I don't think there's an underpants coat at sex parties. A jock strap does, of course, draw attention to the butt. It puts your butt in play. Somebody might place their hand on your butt if you're standing next to them, if you're making out. Don't you are, when you wear a jock strap to a sex party, making your ass and your asshole accessible in a way that somebody else at the sex party might interpret as an invitation.

[00:35:14] [SPEAKER_06] That's where using your words comes into play. You can say to somebody, I'm a top. There's going to be a negotiation at the beginning of any interaction in a sex club, whether it's verbal or nonverbal, where you make clear, where you telegraph to each other. I think going verbal is always best to telegraph your desires to each other, to say them out loud. And you're going to be able to make it clear in that moment what you want, what you're there for. And there's a reason why

[00:35:42] [SPEAKER_06] tops might like to wear jock straps. It's easy to access your dick in a jock strap. You don't have to pull your underpants down. You can just move the pouch aside so you can fuck somebody. Also, when you're watching people fuck in a sex club, when you're watching a top pound somebody, it's sometimes hot to see those glutes clenching and flexing. There is a reason why, kind of a baboon butt display reason why, a top in a sex club

[00:36:12] [SPEAKER_06] might want other people in the sex club, especially if that top is a bit of an exhibitionist, to be able to have a visual on his ass, even if he doesn't want to have anybody's dick in his ass. So, yeah, tops don't have to wear pants and bottoms can wear jock straps and tops can wear jock straps or pants. You can wear whatever you want or as little as you want to the sex club, depending on what sex club or bathhouse you are at. And when you think about it, bathhouses,

[00:36:42] [SPEAKER_06] traditional bathhouses, tops and bottoms, everybody walked around in towels or naked. It wasn't like tops walked around with their butts covered. People walked around naked and then had to use their words or context clues to make it clear to each other or everybody else at the sex club what it is they wanted, what it was that they were there for. And it wasn't everything you needed to know wasn't in the jockstrap or the exposed ass cheeks.

[00:37:13] [SPEAKER_06] All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread at savage.love. Says Pentatonic, Dan, I think you are mistaken about the intent of the right-wing influencers out there. They're not trying to hurt their competition by giving their male followers bad sex and dating advice. They're trying to build resentment towards women. Think of how resentful an impressionable young man would be towards women if he's following all the dating advice he finds online and still no woman wants to date him.

[00:37:42] [SPEAKER_06] Those resentful young men would be much more likely to vote for politicians than who disrespect women and want to take away women's rights. Says Sarin to the poly mom wondering how or whether to come out to her kids. Both you and your kids deserve to live in truth. Degrees of truth, we tell our children, depends on age and development, but coming into coherence around your own sexuality and relationship choices will give your kids the gift of a parent modeling healthy communication and a lack of shame around sexuality.

[00:38:12] [SPEAKER_06] Finally, says Aurora Erotic for the caller who could just not seem to break free of her married lover. The only way out is to get away from him as far as you can and cut off all contact. Don't respond to anything he says. Block him on all platforms. The next six months or a year or so will suck so hard. You probably shouldn't get into another relationship during that time because you won't be emotionally available. Instead, do other things, lots of other things. Go hiking, join a book club,

[00:38:41] [SPEAKER_06] volunteer at a pet shelter for a political campaign. It will all feel pointless, but do it anyway. Some people find SSRIs help. I'm so sorry, my friend. Aurora Erotic continues, but the only way out is through. I am on the other side many years now and I am rooting for you. It will be worth it. All right. Got something to say about something I said. Jump into the comment thread at savage.love and drop it in the comments or give us a call at 206-302-2064 or send us a voice memo at q at savage.love

[00:39:10] [SPEAKER_06] if you want to say it out loud here on the show. And now, Savage Love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word as they always do on this week's show.

[00:39:21] [SPEAKER_08] Hi, Dan. This is a response to the woman from episode 1035 who was with the affair partner or was the affair partner to a married guy for about six years. Totally agree that he sounds like a piece of shit and she should dump him, but I wanted to comment on the way you talked about her fertility, saying that she was 32 and her fertility window was becoming more perilous. I guarantee you she knows this already. Us women in our 30s get a never-ending stream of unsolicited advice about our rapidly drying up sex organs from our doctors,

[00:39:51] [SPEAKER_08] families, friends, not to mention the onslaught of targeted ads trying to sell us fertility supplements, and monitors and egg freezing packages. We know all this does is make women incredibly anxious. It's not remotely helpful and I can't speak for this woman, but if I called in and got that response, I'd be pissed. Instead of piling on, you can just say, if having a family is important to you, I'd encourage you to prioritize finding a partner who wants the same thing. You can leave it there.

[00:40:19] [SPEAKER_01] Hi, Dan and the Tech Savvy at-risk youth. This is a response to Smelly Fingers from episode 1035. I thought your discussion was interesting, but a little light on the practical advice. There are plenty of people that have dirty jobs and there is a whole industry out there of industrial strength hand cleaners. The first one that comes to mind is a product called Fast Orange. It's citrus. It has a pumice gritty thing to help get, you know, gunk and smells

[00:40:48] [SPEAKER_01] off the hands. If they want to research a little further, industrial hand cleaners, smelly jobs, that kind of thing, I think that would be an avenue for them rather than a psychological problem.

[00:41:01] [SPEAKER_03] Hi, Dan. This is in response to the guy with the very targeted partner. Caller, please have your partner listen to this. Hey, friend. I am you. I used to be you. I am the guy with the more intro and the intro and the intro and partner who won't shut up. You have to listen to him. Give him some space and learn how to shut up. I learned the hard way over a long relationship and I can tell you

[00:41:31] [SPEAKER_03] that changing is so worth it. Your relationship is going to be so much better when you give your partner some alone time and it will give you an excuse to go out and do stuff on your own and have fun and find new things and make new friends and learning how to listen makes you so much better at conversations. It makes you seem so much smarter than when you just keep talking and talk over other people. So seriously, do this for him but also do it for yourself.

[00:42:03] [SPEAKER_06] And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Got a comment for us? Go to savage.love slash askdan to record and upload your question or your comment directly onto our website or you can email us a voice memo at q at savage.love or you can give us a call at 206-302-2064. And hey, if you tried something new, we want to hear from you. Email us at q at savage.love and let us know about your latest sexual adventure whether it was good or bad or meh and you could be

[00:42:33] [SPEAKER_06] my next guest on After Action Report. And it is the most wonderful time of the year. The Hump Film Festival, the world's best dirty little film festival is back in theaters now with a brand new lineup of sexy, funny, kinky, sometimes hilarious, sometimes harrowing, but always wildly creative short films. In select cities, you can join your fellow humpers for happy hours after parties and more dirty fun before and after the show. Find out when the Hump 2026

[00:43:02] [SPEAKER_06] Fall Film Festival is coming to your town or a city near you and watch the trailer and get your tickets right now at humpfilmfest.com. Follow me at bluesguy at dan savage. Follow me on Instagram at dan savage. Follow Julian Shaw on Instagram at julianshawofficial. And for all things Julian, check out his website julianshaw.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at Risk Youth will all be back at you next week

[00:43:32] [SPEAKER_06] with another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.