Savage Love Episode 1041

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_05] Today's episode is brought to you by Love Unlimited, a sexual wellness retailer that carries brands like Lilo and B-Vibe, and nothing on the package that arrives at your house says what's inside. For a limited time, all toys are buy one, get one, 50% off. Go to loveunlimited.com slash savage or use code savage at checkout.

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_09] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grownups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'.

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00] If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, Savage Lovecast.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_05] I'm last to the Shane Gillis discourse, but here I am. Let's go. Comedian Shane Gillis hosted SNL two Saturdays ago and really shit the tanning bed. Everyone has had their go at Gillis. The comedian has been dragged up and down the internet for more than a week after he told a joke, and I'm making little bunny ears here with my fingers, after he told a joke about what women are wearing to the gym these days.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_01] Also, I haven't been to the gym in so long, I didn't know women just dress like whores now. Look, I'm sorry, there's no other way to describe. Have you seen it? I've seen it. The shorts? Have you seen the shorts? Those neon, they're like artificial bait colored. The wrinkles go around the cheeks and all combine at the butthole.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01] And don't look, you're not allowed to look. For real, don't look, because they are filming. I'm in the background of like 10 TikToks right now.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_05] Dan Savage was the first celebrity to jump onto Instagram and critique Gillis' performance.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_07] Women wearing short shorts to the gym does not make them whores. It makes the men calling them whores misogynists. There's a difference there.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_05] But Levy was not the last. I just checked and the internet is still full of people commenting about Shane Gillis. For the record, I agree with Levy, one of the four famous Dans I was paired with, or sorry, squared with, in a New York Times connections puzzle a few weeks ago.

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_05] So I was actually watching SNL the night Gillis hosted and I thought, yeah, I am no comedian and Gillis is one of the world's most successful comedians and he does not need career advice from the likes of me. But while I thought the joke was bad, I thought it was salvageable. It was a joke that with some work Gillis could have made at his own expense and left whores out of it.

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_05] What's problematic about this joke, bunny ears, bunny ears, this joke isn't really hard to track. Men treat whores like shit. Shitty treatment that's endorsed by the wider culture. Everyone treats whores like shit. And calling all women whores gives shitty men permission to treat all women like shit. I would like to live in a world where sex workers, I would like to live in a world where whores were respected for the work they do. I would also like to live in a world where no one does sex work who doesn't want to do sex work.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_05] And I can imagine a world where it's no more insulting to call a woman a whore or a sex worker than it is to call a woman a bartender or a barista or a doctor or a pilot. I was going to let it go. Everyone was piling on to Gillis in the last week and couple of days. I didn't need to jump in. Even SNL's new sister show, or still new, relatively new sister show, and really pretty great sister show, SNL UK, had a go at Gillis this weekend.

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_05] Which you know didn't happen without approval from the mothership in New York. So, et to Lorne Michaels. But I'm talking about it now because I got tagged into the conversation about Gillis over the weekend. And Desiree Siffrey, a writer and narrative designer based in Montreal. Forgive me, Desiree, if I've mispronounced your last name and probably your first name too. Desiree posted this to Blue Sky over the weekend.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_05] The Jim Short's discourse exhausts me because, for one thing, I'm sick of the word whore being used as a pejorative. As if it is the gorgeous and entrepreneurial woman selling her company and not the mediocre man so socially inept he has to buy it who is pathetic and worthy of derision. If anything, there should be a term for clients who must pay a woman to entertain and flatter them. Because self-respecting women would never give them the time of day for free. Oh, I know. How about a shame?

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_05] Desiree tags me in at the end saying, Dan Savage, you made Santorum happen. Can we make this a thing? For newer listeners, Rick Santorum was a Republican senator from Pennsylvania. He was, he still is, a social conservative. Once considered a presidential prospect, he was the runner-up for the GOP nomination in 2012.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_05] He gave an interview famously, infamously to a reporter in 2003 in which he compared gay and lesbian adults who wanted to marry their same-sex partners to people who fuck dogs and rape kids. We had a little contest in Savage Love to come up with a new definition for Santorum's last name. And the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex was the winner.

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_05] And like the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, it stuck. And the fact that the new definition of Santorum's name was the number one return when you Googled him for more than a decade, including when he was running for president in 2012 and 2016, was a problem for him. I get tagged in whenever someone wants to redefine someone's name. And it happens every couple of months.

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_05] I wish I had the power to snap my fingers and make it happen. But I am not very tech savvy, and I still don't quite understand how the new definition of Santorum became the top Google return for Rick Santorum's name. But even if I knew, even if I could, even if I had the power, I wouldn't make Shane, meaning the kind of loser who has to pay for sex, a thing. And not because I'm a Shane Gillis fan. I'm not.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_05] I wouldn't do it because I don't think making guys who pay for sex, especially guys who can't get sex any other way, which isn't true of all guys who pay for sex, but is true of a lot of them. I don't think making guys who pay for sex feel pathetic and worthless is good for women who do sex work. I also don't think women who choose to do sex work aren't self-respecting women.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_05] As I've said probably a million times, there's no more dangerous place in the world for a gay man or a trans woman to be than alone in a room with a straight guy entering his refractory period. Being alone with someone experiencing post-nut regret, someone filled with self-hatred and rage, is dangerous, especially if their not is in you or on you. That's why deeply closeted gay and bi guys can be a real danger to the gay men they fuck.

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_05] That's why deeply conflicted straight guys who sometimes sleep with trans women can be a real danger to the trans women they fuck. And it is just as dangerous for a sex worker to be alone in a room with a guy who hates himself, who sees himself as pathetic and worthless because he had to pay for it. You can't support the rights and safety of sex workers, which I do, which Desiree does, and heaps shame on the men who hire them at the same time.

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_05] A world where women and men who choose to do sex work are respected for the work they do is a world where the word whore can't be weaponized to shame or control or terrorize women, whether they're doing sex work or not. And for the record here, I am not beefing with Desiree. I have no beef with Desiree. I replied to Desiree making this point. She agreed with me saying, that's a fair point, but nothing is making women safer right now. And it doesn't really feel like most men give a shit.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_05] I agree with Desiree. It really doesn't feel right now like most men give a shit. And women deserve to live in a world where all men do. All right, coming up on this week's show, a mother married for nearly two decades is ready to chuck it all, get in a car, head to a new town, and have some great sex. With some sex partners to be named later. I talk her off the ledge. A man asked for practical advice on how to create a well-composed dick pic.

[00:08:34] [SPEAKER_05] And on the magnum, I have a wide-ranging conversation with Dr. Justin Garcia, head of the famous Kinsey Institute. And also this week, I answered two questions. One with Dr. Garcia from Virgins, which I think may be a record. If you have a question for me, and remember, there is nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast, we make it really easy for you to get us your questions. Record your question onto your phone, email it to us at qitsavage.love, or text it to us at 206-302-2064.

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_05] Or head over to savage.love.askdan to record and upload your question directly onto our website. And while you're there, if you are not yet a magnum subscriber, click subscribe for yourself or gift for a friend and become a magnum sub. You will get the ad-free, longer, stronger, schlonger version of the Savage Lovecast and other great perks besides. And you'll be helping Savage Love Industries keep your favorite podcasts coming. Thank you all for listening. Whether you can subscribe or not, we appreciate you.

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_05] On to our first question for the week.

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_09] This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_05] This episode is brought to you by my favorite mattress, Helix Sleep. Right now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage now. This episode is brought to you by VB Health, doctor-formulated supplements that work. To learn more about load boost, drive boost, and soaking wet, and to get 10% off, visit vb.health and use the code savage.

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_12] Hi, Jan. I'm a 30-something, non-binary, solo poly person living in Ontario, Canada. And I'm looking for some advice today on how to get my partner to send me more dick pics. The background to that is that I've been seeing this guy for about a year, so I got off super casual. And this was the first guy I dated after. The last guy that I had seen was, like, super abusive, and it was really scary.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_12] And I had kind of sworn off men forever. And then this happened. It was kind of a fluke that we met, and he is super hot, so funny. We have amazing chemistry. The sex is crazy. But early on, I was still pretty hypervigilant. I'm kind of always, like, checking to make sure that he wasn't like a shitty guy. At one point early on, he sent me what I would call an artificial incident, but, like, welcome dick pic.

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_12] But I really overthought it, and I, like, talked to a bunch of friends who are all women who have their own kind of trauma with men, and I think were feeling very protective of me. And they were like, he's a bad guy. You need to talk to him about this. And when I did, he was super receptive, and he was like, oh, yeah, you're right. Like, I'll ask. That makes sense. And the only issue being that he hasn't sent me any dick pics since, and that was, like, a little under a year ago.

[00:11:53] [SPEAKER_12] So I'm worried that I scared him off. I know that the answer is probably just to talk to him about this and being quality and used to those kind of conversations. But for some reason, I'm feeling really nervous about this and kind of struggling with how to bring it up.

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_05] Send me dick pics. It is the easiest use your words ever. Yeah, you need to talk to him. Sounds like when you went in and told him that sending an unsolicited dick pic is not a good idea, and it's something that men should not do, you omitted the fact that he got lucky, and you were into the dick pic, and you liked getting that dick pic. It was a welcome dick pic.

[00:12:36] [SPEAKER_05] But you, as a woman, and we have the data for this, statistically, you are an outlier. And he needed to know that. Big swing. Sending an unsolicited dick pic to a woman. Odds that that woman is going to feel not great about receiving that dick pic. Like disrespected or threatened really high. And if this guy didn't know that already, well, he knows it now because you told him,

[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_05] and good on you and all women who get an unsolicited dick pic from a guy who they don't think sent it maliciously or is an asshole should have the kind of conversation that you had with this guy, with the guys who sent them unsolicited dick pics. But you needed to make clear that he got lucky. You liked getting that dick pic, but you didn't want him to think that because you liked it that this might be something other women liked.

[00:13:28] [SPEAKER_05] You say that you're poly, solo poly. That means he could date other women. You don't want him to take away from you being like hot, send more, that this is a good strategy going forward, and that he should employ this strategy with other women. You don't want to be in any way responsible for this guy sending dick pics in the future to women who didn't want to get him. But so yeah, so good on you for having that conversation with him.

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_05] Good on you for having that talk. Now you need to have the follow-up talk. You need to walk back or you need to insert into that talk a year ago. You need to amend the congressional record, and you need to insert into the congressional record, sexual congressional record, that you liked the dick pic, and you would like him to start sending you dick pics again, that they are welcome. You could just text him every time you want a dick pic.

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_05] You can be scrupulous about this, that every single discrete incident where he sends you a dick pic, it is always a solicited dick pic because you will have solicited it from him at that moment. You can gamify this and enjoy it. But yeah, if you've been dating him for a year after the dick pic incident, obviously your friends, their first impulse might be a bad guy. This is a red flag. Absolutely correct.

[00:14:55] [SPEAKER_05] But I assume if you're still dating him a year later, that there have been no other incidents. There's no pattern of obnoxious, entitled, thoughtless, sexist or threatening behavior from him, which is why you keep fucking him so now. Yeah. Tell him. Have the talk. You can have the talk. Dude. Dude. Maybe I didn't mention it. Maybe I didn't emphasize it enough when we talked a year ago. I liked getting that dick pic. Didn't want you to think any other woman would like it

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_05] because odds are they wouldn't. I liked it. Was hoping you would send more. You haven't. Send more. How about right now? If you have this conversation via text, how about right now you send me a fucking dick pic?

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_06] And if he's comfortable with you sharing that dick pic, you can forward it to me. Hi, Dan. I've known my best friend Kyle for 16 years. And for 12 of those years, he's been seeing this very hot but emotionally no muscle daddy named Peter. Kyle talks to me and our entire friend group freely about how he and Peter haven't had sex in five plus years, how he doesn't know whether Peter wants a future with him or whether Peter even really likes him. They live together, Dan. And about how they don't really communicate and how he needs to break up with him. We give Kyle all the objectively correct advice.

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_06] Communicate sexual needs or valid needs. It's okay to break up based on sexual differences. It's okay to want things. And he doesn't act on any of it. There's always an excuse. The dog is sick. It's a beach day. We've got travel plans, etc. There's always some excuse. Our friend group is all aware and has begun calling Peter his roommate. We collectively think Peter is just kind of done with life. Peter is in his mid-late 60s. He is a widower and his husband died 17 years ago. And it seems like he's just biding his time and coasting and using Kyle.

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_06] Peter is kind of a waste professionally and personally. He has a dead-end job and literally only cares about going to the gym. I hate watching Kyle waste his life with a guy nearly 20 years older than him who refuses to pay into the mortgage because of some asinine boomer you-own-the-house bullshit. He doesn't fuck him and largely just exists in their shared space. He doesn't hang out with any of Kyle's friends, is borderline emotionally abusive, etc. They don't have kids. They had a dog. And after the dog died, I thought that would cause some movement, but there's still always an excuse

[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_06] or I tried to talk and Peter shut it down. My serious thought is that Peter is just biding his time until he can use the free rent situation to save up enough to retire to the Dominican, which I expect he will do on a weekday when Kyle is at work with no warning. Kyle is an only child who had a seriously emotionally abusive father and so Kyle has so much trauma that he cannot stand up for himself. It's just not something he's capable of doing. He can't break up with Peter. He can't even have a conversation if there's any negative undertones. He just clams up.

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_06] I can't break up with Peter for him. I don't know what to do. It feels like Peter is taking advantage of Kyle and has learned that Kyle can't stand up to him. I've been a long time listener slash magnum sub and I've said literally everything I have been supposed to say for a decade now. I have channeled Dan on countless bar nights while listening to Kyle complain about Peter and I'm just so tired of it. I really don't want to stop being friends with Kyle. He was the best man at my wedding. We've all known each other for 16 years, but I don't know how to get through to him. I finally cornered him and demanded he tell me why he can't break up with Peter

[00:18:04] [SPEAKER_06] and the only thing he could say was Peter would be sad. Dan, it made me want to slap him. How can I make peace with watching my best friend waste his life with a mean, deadbeat asshole?

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_05] Maybe there's a reason that Kyle stays with Peter. Not the obvious reason. Not Peter isn't long for this world and Kyle stands to inherit a bundle when he croaks or Kyle is going to get his life insurance. Maybe Kyle is just loyal. Loyal to a fault. And maybe being loyal to such a fault makes Kyle feel good about himself,

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_05] which would mean that Kyle isn't getting nothing out of this. At the very least, he's getting a lot of attention, particularly from you, his best friend. His relationship is always the problem that needs to be addressed. He is the main character in the drama that Peter's presence in his life is successfully creating in your friend group. And Kyle may be getting something my mom called martyr points. Some people really do enjoy the view from up on the cross,

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_05] especially when the cross is propped up in front of a mirror. And in this case, the attention, the panicked attention of Kyle's friends could be functioning, performing the services of a mirror. But ultimately, this is not your problem. Your question is really a variation on Dr. Doctor. It hurts when I go like this. And the doctor's advice is stop going like this. Your question for me is, Dan, Dan, beating my head against this brick wall is painful and frustrating.

[00:19:42] [SPEAKER_05] And my advice, Dan's advice for you would be stop beating your head against the brick wall that is Kyle. If you can't help yourself, if Kyle's unhappiness is all you want to talk about with Kyle, his alleged unhappiness, is all you want to talk about with Kyle when you see him, if he wants to attract attention to himself up there on that cross, then you may have to see him less. But if you can say the four magic words in this instance, you should leave him,

[00:20:11] [SPEAKER_05] or use my acronym, DTMFA, dump the motherfucker already. And then Kyle allows you to change the subject. Okay, maybe you don't have to see Kyle, Dan, any less than you do. And then when Peter finally goes, when he skips off to the Dominican Republic, or he croaks, if you can stick it out that long, yeah, that's going to feel like an orgasm after an epic edging session. Might be worth the wait.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_09] This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. They make it easy to build a website, blog, or online store. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand all in one place. We use Squarespace for both the Hump Film Festival, which you may have heard of, and Noise Complaint, our live music show. Video, audio, ticket sales, blog. It's all handled so elegantly with Squarespace's easy-to-use tools.

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_09] And with Squarespace's analytics, we'll be able to track where our website traffic is coming from, and what our visitors are looking for, and how they're interacting with our content. And if Squarespace were a person, they'd be a really clever, efficient, and easy-to-get-along-with coworker. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage, and use the offer code savage.

[00:21:40] [SPEAKER_10] Hey, Dan, have you ever felt like you just want to blow up your life? That sounds weird to say it, but in my head, sometimes I want to open the door, and I want to run away, and I want to start a new life. I want to start again. Chapter one, start again. I am married for 18 years, two wonderful children. Sometimes I want to be in another town,

[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_10] another life, and I want to start again, and I want to meet someone, and I want to have great sex, and I want to have no responsibilities, and I just want to live this carefree life of sex and fun that I never got to do, and I feel really bad saying that because I do love my husband. I do love my children, but the older I get, I'm in my 40s,

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_10] the more I'll think, I ain't a wife, and I ain't a mother type, and I never was, and I lied to myself, and I thought that I was, and I just want to go, and I think about that every, nearly every day, and for a long, long time, what do you do when you want to do that, but you don't want to do that?

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_10] Has anyone else felt like that? Because that's something that I feel like.

[00:23:11] [SPEAKER_05] Everybody wants to blow up their life. Everybody feels this way, the way you do, sometimes, can be a tell if you feel this way all the time, but I got to say that there are people out there who don't have spouses, who don't have kids, who don't have mortgages, who don't have piles of other people's laundry to do, who may have tons of great sex with lots of random people, and what they want

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_05] is the alt timeline, your timeline. They want marriage and kids and family. It's just a grass for many people. A grass is greener problem. There is the life you've got and you are intimately familiar with what's stressful or unpleasant about the life you've got, and then you fantasize about some other life that you don't got, and it's perfect because it's a fantasy. I think if

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_05] these thoughts are constant and oppressive, you might want to get into therapy, figure out what they mean. Fantasy is about an alt timeline, the life you could be living, sometimes a sign that you actually need to blow up your life. It's important to remember though that wherever you go, there you fucking are. If this is really a circumstances you find yourself trapped in, a script that was written for you, marriage and family and kids, and that wasn't what you wanted out of life, blowing up your life,

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_05] even if it makes a lot of other people miserable in the short term, could be the fix. It could help you find happiness. But if this is a wherever you go, there you are problem, you will eventually wind up feeling trapped in whatever your next life looks like. There's no guarantee that you will find great sex. Even people without husbands and children have cares and responsibilities. Cares and responsibilities have a way of creeping of all of our lives. You look at single people, you look at people without kids,

[00:25:10] [SPEAKER_05] and you think, ah, carefree. Not true necessarily. And if you find somebody and you have great sex with that person and you commit to that person because the sex is great, eventually it becomes a long-term relationship. And passion has a way of fading, but it is replaced by other things that compensate for the fading of passion, intimacy, connection, being known, being cared for. You have all that.

[00:25:40] [SPEAKER_05] It's really easy to take for granted the things that you have and to convince yourself that if you only had things you don't have, you would be happy. But, yeah, there's no guarantee of that. What I do hear you saying, though, is that you married young, you didn't have a lot of sexual adventures, you didn't have a time in your life where you were able to really explore and take risks and be free,

[00:26:10] [SPEAKER_05] that you moved right into marriage and family and kids. This is why I think it's so important that straight people live like gay people early in their lives, the hedonistic lifestyle that used to be described just as the gay lifestyle, move to an urban area, have sex with a lot of people before settling down. I think that's important. And I think it's great now that a lot of straight people basically live like gay people in their 20s and into their early 30s and then marry and have children and lived a little

[00:26:40] [SPEAKER_05] before they settled down. You didn't get to live a little before you settled down. All right, how can you build into the life that you have now some of the adventure and autonomy that you missed out on? Get a therapist, get into counseling, at some point you bring your husband into this conversation and you say, I have had these fantasies of blowing up our lives so that I can get out there and be free. Maybe he's had the same fantasies and you can build

[00:27:09] [SPEAKER_05] into the life that you've got now a little bit of that, a taste of that, a good taste of it, a feast of it, where there is a couple of weeks a year that you get to go away and be freed from the responsibilities of caring for your children and looking after your fucking husband too, I imagine, and be alone, move through the world, go on a vacation by yourself, and dot, dot, dot. What happens when you're in another time zone happens when you're in another time zone, and the

[00:27:38] [SPEAKER_05] same deal, the same freedom is extended to your husband. Who knows? Maybe he feels like he missed out on that part of life too. There could be a way to win-win here, where you get to have the children you love, the husband you love, the life you have now, and would, I think, miss if you blew it up and have some of the freedom, adventure, and autonomy that you missed out on because you married and had kids

[00:28:08] [SPEAKER_05] so young. You have a hunger, that kind of freedom, and for those kinds of experiences, there is a way you could have those experiences and a taste, a feast, that kind of freedom, without having to blow up your life or your children's lives. Hey, big spender, why not pull out all the stops this year and give the best gift ever, a gift they won't see coming, but will

[00:28:38] [SPEAKER_05] see themselves coming on? Get that special person in your life, a Helix sleep mattress. That's what I did for all the special people in my life, and it has been paying off for me ever since. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe collection, that is ours, of course, Terry will accept nothing less than Luxe, the Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix sleep quiz to find your perfect mattress in

[00:29:08] [SPEAKER_05] under two minutes, and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge. They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions, and other stomach and back positions too. Plus, enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. They also offer 365-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. Right now,

[00:29:38] [SPEAKER_05] just for my listeners, Helix is offering 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the lovecast sent you by going to helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

[00:29:54] [SPEAKER_02] Hi, Dan. I'm a 25-year-old cis queer questioner woman. I also happen to be plus size as well, and I've never been in a relationship. I've never had sex. I've done some things in my life, but not much and not enough to feel experienced. I have raging ADHD too, but I think I found your podcast recently because I've been wanting to explore my sexuality, trying to figure things out, but people put a lot of weight on the word virginity.

[00:30:24] [SPEAKER_02] And I grew up Catholic, still consider myself religious, but it's not necessarily something that I'm waiting on. I just think that there's a lot that I can regret by just choosing to sleep with someone. And also coming with the plus size-ness, people are just not kind, friends, and oftentimes on the app fetishize my body. So I was just curious if you have any advice.

[00:30:49] [SPEAKER_05] I don't think you need to be self-conscious about the fact that you're a virgin. At 25, you are, I think, the older end of Gen Z. That new Playboy Kinsey Institute study came out about Gen Z. Huge sample size, fully 20% of Gen Z virgins. People have not yet had sex. And so, yeah, used to be that someone who made it into their mid-20s and 30s who was a

[00:31:19] [SPEAKER_05] virgin was kind of made to feel like a freak, but also was kind of freakish in a non-pejorative sense. They were rare. You are not rare. I think, although there are some people who will not want to get involved with you because you are a virgin, I think you can lead with that. And what you should be seeking perhaps are other similarly inexperienced people. And that's one out of five of the people of your generation, your age cohort.

[00:31:48] [SPEAKER_05] One out of five. Not a bad number to start with if you want to go with somebody who's similarly inexperienced. Also, in that number of potential partners for you are going to be people who don't have parthenophobia, fear of virgins, from the Greek word parthenos, virgin, and phobos for fear. There are lots of people out there who are not parthenophobes and you want one of those people. And now

[00:32:17] [SPEAKER_05] you say you're larger and you've encountered people out there who fetishize your body. You've also encountered people out there who have been unkind, cruel to you because of your body, rejected you because of your size. I think when you put yourself online, you should put accurate current photos. That will ensure that you don't wind up having interactions for weeks or days or months with someone who when they first meet you or you

[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_05] first share photographs, then cruelly or unkindly rejects you because of your body. You want to attract people who are attracted to your body. Will that mean you are sometimes going to be interacting with people who fetishize you because of your size? Yeah. And I think that's okay. We are all of us objects. When people talk about being fetishized, what they object to is being seen as a thing or just this thing, being objectified, but we

[00:33:17] [SPEAKER_05] are objects. We are masks. We are atoms. What you want in a sex partner is someone who is attracted to you for and as the object you are, but also can see you through the full human you are, who appreciates your full humanity. You want that expression, someone who can walk and chew gum at the same time. You want someone who can fuck and chew gum at the same time. Someone who is attracted to you physically, the object

[00:33:46] [SPEAKER_05] you are, but also capable of seeing you, appreciating you, interacting with you, treating you like the human with feelings and needs and desires and sensitivities and insecurities that you also are. And those guys are out there. Some people who are attracted to people of all different body types will dehumanize their sex partners, treat them like tube socks. I think you start with this openness to people who find you attractive,

[00:34:17] [SPEAKER_05] not despite, maybe in some cases because of your size, and then you need to weed them out. Weed out the guys who give you the impression that they're only attracted to you for that reason and that they are only going to treat you as an object but not then also as a person, which means giving the fetishists a chance. I talked to this woman who is an amputee for Savage Love for the column a million years ago and she

[00:34:46] [SPEAKER_05] lost a limb in a traumatic accident and she started to attract the attention of what are called devotees, people who are attracted to people with physical disabilities and it made her really uncomfortable but the journey that she went on was this realization that if the guy was decent and kind and this wasn't a choice that he made, nobody picks their kinks, nobody picks their fetishes and he could be loving and see her as a human being too, she would rather be with a devotee

[00:35:16] [SPEAKER_05] who was attracted to her for who she was physically not despite who she was physically and she wound up with somebody who was specifically attracted to female amputees and was very content in that relationship, you could similarly wind up with somebody who has a kink for, a fetish for, women in much larger bodies. So long as that person is decent and kind and loving, takes responsibility for their kink,

[00:35:45] [SPEAKER_05] sees you for in an affirming way, we all want to be seen for and affirmed, affirmed for the objects we are, treated as if we are desirable, but also love and appreciate you for the person you are, that's the sweet spot. You shouldn't reject the fetishists out of hand. So, good luck. Plenty of virgins out there, plenty of people who are attracted to you and your body type. Put yourself out there, you'll find

[00:36:15] [SPEAKER_05] the right guy, or guys, or women. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Soaking Wet by VB Health, the world's first probiotic specifically designed for vaginal and vulva health and wellness. Kombucha, save that for your gut health. When it comes to vaginal health, you need very specific probiotics, and Soaking Wet from VB Health packs a punch with a blend of probiotics, prebiotics, and vitamins that are like sending your vagina to a soothing spa.

[00:36:45] [SPEAKER_05] And not only does Soaking Wet combat BV and yeast infections, it really increases lubrication, thus the name Soaking Wet. Make every encounter slipperier, more slippery, sexier, and downright sensational. It's time to get Soaking Wet and keep the good times coming and coming and coming. And rest assured Soaking Wet is formulated by medical doctors at VB Health. Visit SoakingWet.com and use code SAVAGE for 10% off

[00:37:15] [SPEAKER_05] or click the link in the episode description.

[00:37:19] [SPEAKER_03] Hi Dan, so my partner and I have an open relationship, well ethically non-monogamous is what we call ourselves, and he is, right now he's traveling and he's talking to this one woman and I'm someone who experiences a lot of compersion and so he will send me some of the texts that she sends him and it really turns me on. And I kind of want more though. I really just wish I could

[00:37:49] [SPEAKER_03] be a fly on the wall when they have sex. I just want to see everything, but I know she probably won't consent to me being there. I mean, I won't even be in town. I don't want him to just take videos just to show me. I don't know if he'll even feel comfortable with that. I don't want to mess up their dynamics. So how do I gamify this because I want more than just text messages? Photos would be good. I wish I had videos. Obviously she has to be

[00:38:18] [SPEAKER_03] consenting to that and I just don't want to have to. And the thing is in my mind the minute the video is for me and it's not just the two of them then it's less sexy. It's kind of like less sexy if I feel like I asked them to do it and more and hotter for me as if they would do it on their own if that makes sense. What should I do?

[00:38:39] [SPEAKER_05] This woman your husband is fucking probably wouldn't consent if her consent was sought to him sharing screenshots of the conversations that he's having with her, with you, his wife. And yet I will allow it. That falls into a kind of ethical gray area where consent is concerned. Husband and wife, husband and husband, wife and wife. people understand that when you're married you kind of basically tell each

[00:39:09] [SPEAKER_05] other everything. And if you and your husband have a consensually non-monogamous relationship and he's honest with the women that he's fucking, that his wife knows, they have to assume that he might be sharing, repeating, if it was verbal, part of the conversations that he's had with could include screenshots flying back

[00:39:39] [SPEAKER_05] and forth, hopefully with no identifiable information, dot, dot, dot. I will allow it that. What you want, video, you want to watch. And I think that's kind of on your husband to engineer. Great, that he gets to go and fuck other women. He should be very appreciative and grateful. And you're turned on by the idea of him fucking other women. These other women know that he's fucking other women with his wives. Consent and permission. At some point he's having conversations with these other

[00:40:08] [SPEAKER_05] women where they're saying to him, they're asking him how you feel about it, if it's okay with you. And your husband needs to rehearse responding to that question with, oh my God, is it okay with her? She would want to watch. She would watch if she could. She would fucking spontaneously climax if she got a video. And that kind of sends the ball over the net to that other woman about what, you know, susses her out about what she may or may not be comfortable with.

[00:40:39] [SPEAKER_05] She may say in response to your husband, oh fuck, that would be hot. Or I would love, maybe it would turn her on the idea of sending you a video. that's how that's how you eventually get into that cuck chair. Real or the video arriving in your phone and putting you in a metaphorical cuck chair. Is your husband needs to not direct, not be manipulative, just be really honest. Is your wife okay with this? Okay with this? My wife loves this. My wife would watch me and watch you

[00:41:08] [SPEAKER_05] and me do this if she could, if you were comfortable with that. And if that idea appeals to her, she can say so. If it doesn't appeal to her, she can shut it down. And eventually your husband's going to say that to the right woman, to the woman who wants to be watched, who wants to send you a video. And yeah, ideally in your fantasy, the video is sent to you without you having to ask for it. There's a lot when it comes to kink and fetish play, especially varsity level

[00:41:38] [SPEAKER_05] stuff like you and your husband are engaged in, where we have to suspend disbelief and pretend that the thing that's being done to us or for us, that was our idea, that our partner is doing that to us or for us because it's what they wanted to do. So yeah, this can happen for you. And I think it can happen for you sooner than you might expect it could. Sooner rather than later. If your husband takes the initiative and plants the seed, puts the idea out

[00:42:08] [SPEAKER_05] there, invites the women that he's sleeping with, to think about it. Not make it a condition of sleeping with him, that might be experienced as coercive, but just to toss it out there. Not only are you into it, not only are you okay with him fucking other women, you would watch if you could. Dot, dot,

[00:42:28] [SPEAKER_08] dot. Hey Dan, this queer man calling from Minnesota. I recently started dating an assigned female at birth person who a couple times now has sent some kind of spicy photos from their room or random bathrooms, and I would love to reciprocate, but I don't know how. I have pretty large arms, and when I've complimented the pictures they've sent, they've mentioned that they would love to get some pictures of me flexing after the gym. So, today I tried to do

[00:42:58] [SPEAKER_08] that, and I felt like a disaster. I took off my shirt, and I started flexing in the mirror, but I've never posed before, and I felt like I couldn't pick an angle or facial expression that looked right. Besides good lighting and a clean background, I've not found great advice for men online about this, and I'd love your take. Also, it's not what I'm working on right now, but what constitutes a good dick pic versus a bad one? Once I've gotten consent, of course.

[00:43:24] [SPEAKER_05] Thank you so much for listening, and I'm glad the show has helped you to get out there and live your best life. You say you're a queer cis man, I think, if I recall correctly. Do you not have any gay friends? You go to the gym, you hit it hard, this woman who's sending you dirty pics wants you to send just a flex pic? Make a gay friend at the gym who can take the pic for you, who can find the flattering angle, who can tell you where to stand, where

[00:43:53] [SPEAKER_05] the best light is, and then let him take your pictures. I'm sure there's a guy, you must know a gay guy, who's willing to help you out. Also, when it comes to dick pics, maybe get on Reddit, Rate My Dick Pic is a huge Reddit, where you will see a million examples, and people rating, ranking, critiquing dick pics, including angle, lighting,

[00:44:23] [SPEAKER_05] composition. Often, what people object to in the dick pic isn't the dick, or the lighting, or the angle, it's the maison sainte, it's what else is in the photograph. If you're taking a dick pic, or you're taking a bathroom mirror selfie, clean that bathroom mirror. Nobody wants to have to look at, while they're trying to look at your dick, a bunch of shit that went flying out from between your teeth the last time you flossed on your mirror. Clean that mirror. Also, what else can you see in the room?

[00:44:53] [SPEAKER_05] If you're taking dirty pics, and your room is messy, or your bed is unmade, or there's laundry everywhere, yeah, that's bad. Laundry everywhere, messy room, shit all over your bathroom, mirror, all of that matters just as much or more than lighting and composition and angle, which is also matter. But cutting to the chase, if you really want to get some

[00:45:21] [SPEAKER_05] decent pics to sext with, you need a gay bestie. You need somebody who's already got pics out there. You need somebody who got on Grindr the second he turned 18 and has been sending and receiving pics, including dick pics, ever since. Who's willing to be your wingman pic man and help you out. All right, it is time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread

[00:45:50] [SPEAKER_05] at savage.love. Says Stephen T.O., did anyone else find the call from the dad of the non-binary child and the girlfriend the dad didn't like to be a little cringy? To the caller, of course your kid isn't sharing their thoughts and feelings with you all the time anymore. They have a girlfriend now to do that with. Frankly, I would find it weird if a person in their mid-20s was relying on their parents as their emotional support system. Says Jen about the same call, Dan, I think you missed the mark. Some adult children

[00:46:20] [SPEAKER_05] distance themselves from their parents as they age. Then the parents falsely blame that on their partners. I think it is important for parents of adult children to realize that their adult children are adults and have left the nest. I said in my conversation with Nikki Davis Feinblum last week about her new book, All About Kink and Fetish, that adult kinksters pointing to just-so incidents in their childhoods that explain their kinks in adulthood could be an example of confirmation bias at work.

[00:46:49] [SPEAKER_05] Not so, says Michael. Dan, I am a spanko and a sex therapist. As much as I don't think Jillian Keenan should be the voice of our fetish, she did get some things right. It is not confirmation bias. I looked up spanking in the dictionary so much when I was a kid that the book fell open to that page. This is so common that they call people like me dictionary spankos. I would also wake up in the middle of the night to watch cartoons with spankings in them in secret because of the way it made me feel. Whatever this is, it is

[00:47:18] [SPEAKER_05] definitely not confirmation bias. And finally, said Golden Girl Jane. Dan, it would have been nice to have a future female president acknowledged in your opener last week about how all young people have dirty pics out there and one day we will see the president's junk before their president. So, Dan, in the future, we may see a future president's dick or bova. Excellent point, Golden Girl Jane. Thank you for taking the time to make it. All right, if you've got something to say about something I said,

[00:47:48] [SPEAKER_05] you can jump into the comment threads right now at savage.love and say it there. Or if you want to say it here on the show, go to savage.love to record your comment or text us a voice memo or leave us a message at 206-302-2064. You have got my digits. Use them. And now, Savage Love listeners who called in as they always do on this week's show.

[00:48:13] [SPEAKER_11] Hi, Dan. I'm calling in response to the parent whose NB kid is living abroad and has become an asshole potentially because of their toxic relationship. I really agreed with what you said about kids separating themselves from their parents. And I just wanted to give these parents the perspective that I found it the absolute hardest to be around my parents when I was in college about the age that it sounds like their kid is. And I was coming home for summers and breaks and having this

[00:48:43] [SPEAKER_11] really big contrast between my freedom at college and then having to be in my parents' house again and have them just ask me where I'm going and feeling really like burdened by that and it was absolutely horrible. So that might be contributing to just their awful mood when you're there visiting them while they are really in this phase of establishing themselves as an adult. I would bet that the shitty girlfriend is also contributing to their bad behavior and I agree again

[00:49:13] [SPEAKER_11] with Dan not to go to war with them over the girlfriend but you don't have to tolerate their shitty behavior. I would talk to them like you would a friend or a co-worker if they say something rude or sarcastic to you and you know not talk down to them like a parent but just say hey that was really rude like don't talk to me that way. You've done the same pushback that anyone should get for that kind of shitty behavior so that they understand like you're pushing back against the way that they're acting and not necessarily like pushing back against their girlfriend

[00:49:42] [SPEAKER_11] because you're just a biased parent who hates their girlfriend or whatever the situation is.

[00:49:47] [SPEAKER_04] Hey Dan I'm a millennial calling about your intro I'm Chris Gallant. You hypothesize that a politician having leaked nudes gives them a kind of every man vibe in this day and age but what I'll add is that it also matters that the photos and dynamics are consensual and discussed openly in a healthy way. This is a major green flag especially running up against the MAGA party that has empowered so many sexual predators. The younger generations like to see a healthy power dynamic

[00:50:16] [SPEAKER_04] even if it is BS.

[00:50:20] [SPEAKER_13] Hello I am calling in in reply to the last episode where there was a caller who called in because he was in his mid-50s about whether he should come out to his family as bi. And I kept wondering things that he said that connected for me was when he said don't I want my children to know me? And I was like in my head yeah you should want your kids to know you. I don't see how it's any different from say those of us who are married and outwardly facing monogamous.

[00:50:50] [SPEAKER_13] That's my situation and my kids know that I'm bi and to their minds I won't ever be with a woman because I'm with their dad but I still think it's important for them to know who I am. I want them to know me. So I say be brave and do it.

[00:51:09] [SPEAKER_05] And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your question directly onto our website or email us a voice memo at q at savage.love or you can text your question to 206-302-2064 where you can also leave us a message and if you tried something new and you want to tell me all about it email us at q at savage.love and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. Seattle, Cleveland, Montreal, Phoenix, San Diego, Fort Lauderdale, Denver

[00:51:38] [SPEAKER_05] the Hump Film Festival is in you this weekend. Watch the trailer and get tickets go to humpfilmfest.com and submissions for the 2027 Hump Film Festival are due in a few short weeks. Submitting is easy and free and not only do we want to see your smuttiest kinkiest hottest amateur porn adventures on the big screen we want to pay you. Hump filmmakers receive a cut of every ticket sold. Submit your film to us by November 6th for the 2027 Spring and Fall Hump Film Festivals.

[00:52:08] [SPEAKER_05] Head to humpfilmfest.com for all the info you need. Follow me at BlueSky at Dan Savage. Follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage. Follow Dr. Justin Garcia on Instagram at Dr. Justin Garcia. Read his new book The Intimate Animal which is available now wherever books are sold. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy Hertunian and me and the tech savvy at Risk Youth and Nancy will all be back at you next week on the installment of the Savage Love Cast. Thank you for downloading.

[00:53:03] [SPEAKER_07] Today's episode

[00:53:04] [SPEAKER_05] is brought to you by Love Unlimited where you have 90 days to decide if you loved it and if you didn't they will help you find something better that you do. For a limited time all toys are buy one get one 50% off. Go to loveunlimited.com slash savage and get your toys or use code savage at checkout.