Savage Love Episode 1033

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_10] The Strangers Genius Awards are back, celebrating Seattle's art and culture community with an awards show and cash prizes. Hosted by Miss Texas 1988 and Lady Gugu, Shabazz Palaces headlines with DJ sets by Eric Blood and La Mala Noche, Saturday, September 12th at the Moore Theatre, tickets start at $10 and are on sale now at strangergeniusawards.com.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_10] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'.

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_04] If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harm on the Savage Lovecast.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_07] Blueberries are out. Also, can't eat bagged salad or sprouts or fruit bars or prepackaged guacamole. And this morning, as I sat down to record, lunch meats joined the growing list of foods under recall.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_07] Guys, I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but all these outbreaks of food-borne illnesses, yeah, seems to me that these outbreaks could be linked to the mass layoffs at the Food and Drug Administration at the start of the second Trump administration in 2025.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_07] Layoffs that forced the Trump administration to end federal food safety inspections in 2025, which was exactly what the big food companies that donated millions of dollars to Donald Trump in 2024 had always wanted. And here we are now in 2026. And eating ass is safer than eating blueberries. And I'm not even to the crazy conspiracy part yet.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_07] I am still connecting the dots here, just adjusting my tinfoil hat really quickly. You guys, do you think it's a coincidence that Donald Trump is doing everything he can to make it harder for us to vote? At the same time, he's doing everything he can to give us all explosive diarrhea? Guys, if you can't vote from home and you can't leave the bathroom, you can't vote.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_07] There are so many Trump scandals and conspiracies to keep track of. The self-dealing, the stock manipulation, the ballroom, the arch, the war, the internment camps, the human printer. It's impossible. Nobody can keep up. If you're feeling scandal fatigue as you sit on the toilet, crapping your brains out, you are not alone. And it's not an accident. They're doing this on purpose, flooding the zone and our houses with shit to wear us down. And we can't let them win.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_07] We have to pay attention. And in the spirit of paying attention, I would like to draw your attention to a scandal that in the before times would have dominated the headlines. And if you're sick of hearing about Trump scandals and Trump conspiracies, I have really good news. This one out of Iowa has nothing to do with Donald Trump. Brendan Hartnett has the story at the Bulwark. I can't really do it justice here. We will put a link in the show notes. The story is not behind a paywall.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_07] Go and read it. It is all about Zach Lon, the Republican nominee for governor in Iowa who is currently embroiled in a sex toy scandal. Zach Lon, of course, Iowa campaigning on farms and families. His campaign website is all pictures of cornfields and barns. But Lon made his fortune or a significant part of his fortune in the sex toy business.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_07] Firm Tech is a company that sells, quote, innovative wearable erection rings designed to help men, quote, track their sexual health and keep it up. This news, says Hartnett at the Bulwark, is raising a hem eyebrows in Iowa. Quote, some Affirm Tech's devices monitor vitals like heart rate and blood pressure and are intended to combat erectile dysfunction. Hartnett goes on. So smart cock rings like a smart toaster that you put your dick in.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_07] Lon insists he left the company after it expanded into a line of just dumb cock rings, regular old sex toy cock rings. What I've invested in is not a sex toy, Lon told the Des Moines Register. It is a grade two medical device.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_07] Now, in a just world, in a world where Donald Trump wasn't president, the Republican nominee for governor in Iowa insisting that a thing designed to go around your cock and restrict the flow of blood out of your cock so that your cock stays hard, a device the company recommends users pair with one of their custom vibrating clitoral stimulators. That guy insisting that's not a cock ring, but a grade two medical device.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_07] Yeah, in a just world, it's a grade two medical device would have entered the lexicon alongside other classics from the early 2000s, like hiking the Appalachian Trail and lifting my luggage. Lon is running around right now threatening to sue anyone who suggests he ever knowingly sold a sex toy. But Hartnett, man, did he report this story out? He has the receipts.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_07] Internal documents describing these things as sex toys for pleasure that Lon himself signed. And firm tech under Lon's leadership accepted the award for most innovative sex toy of the year in 2023 from XBiz, a porn and sex toy industry trade show. Voters in Iowa, social and sexual conservatives who voted for the adjudicated rapist and serial philanderer Donald Trump three times. Yeah, they're pretty fucking conservative.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_07] They also tried to lock me up once for five years. It's a whole thing. Google me and licking doorknobs if you want to read all about that. The question now is, will voters in Iowa support not just a Republican candidate who still owns 25% of a fancy high tech smart cock ring company with a nice sideline and clitoral vibrators, but a Republican candidate who is lying to them through his teeth about what he knew about those cock rings and when he knew it.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_07] But really, the question right now facing voters in Iowa, is Zach Lon a good fit for Iowa? Is he a snug fit for Iowa?

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_07] Or will he, if erected, wind up doing the gubernatorial equivalent of slipping off in the shower at the gym and landing with a loud clang on the floor before rolling out of the shower stall and all the way across the locker room where six other men are changing before thunking to a stop when it hits the wall on the other side of the room? Which is a thing that actually happened at my gym last week.

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_07] To the credit of the guy in the shower stall, he did not, like some Zach Lon, pretend that a grade two medical device had slipped off his dick while he was in the shower. He leaned out and asked if anyone saw where his cock ring went.

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_07] And while I didn't think I could love gay men any more than I already do, watching the guy who lost his cock ring walk across the room to retrieve it while the rest of us treated him to a polite little golf clap, inspiring him to take a little bow, made me fall in love with gay men all over again. All right. Again, if you haven't already read Brendan Hartnett's story at the Bulwark, please stop calling my award-winning sex toy a sex toy. Go read it now. Link in the show notes.

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_07] Coming up on today's show here at the Savage Glovecast, we have two guests this week. Two. Count them two for you. A caller was curious about adult baby diaper lovers and whether adult baby diaper lovers stick to wetting their diapers or do they fill them? The charming and well-spoken fancy from the In The Nook podcast joins me to talk about adult babies' little play and whether diaper play ever goes 3D. That's on the Micro and the Magnum Savage Glovecast.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_07] And on the Magnum only, I chat with Faith Hill, staff writer at The Atlantic, about her recent piece on the romance slump. Why aren't young people dating? Why aren't young people having sex? Why aren't young people investing in grade two medical devices? Faith Hill is here with answers.

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_07] And if you're a young person who isn't having much sex, if you're not dating, or if you're a young person who is having sex and wants to share your secret, call us at 206-302-2064 or record a voice memo on your phone and send it to us at Q at savage.love. We want to hear what it's like out there for you. Two other quick things, Magnum subs. This Thursday, noon Pacific time, a very special Savage Love Live. That's a Zoom hangout exclusively for my Magnum subs.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_07] Joining me on this month's Savage Love Live by request, Tom, my husband's boyfriend. By your request and Tom's request. You can ask him anything. Doesn't mean he has to answer anything, but you can ask him anything. If you're not yet a Magnum sub and you want to join us for this very special Savage Love Live, go to savage.love and sign up for a year or a month.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_07] And you will, like other Magnum subs, get a link to the Zoom hangout in your email on Thursday morning. And speaking of people who are actually having sexual experiences.

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_05] She's a natural femdom. First off, she put me in the sling and rimmed me, like just got down under me and started rimming me. Like a good top. Yes. Should. Yes. Very good at it.

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_07] That's from this week's After Action Report. Look for it in your podcast feeds, Magnums and micros alike this Friday. All right. Let's get to this week's first call.

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_10] This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[00:10:35] [SPEAKER_03] This episode is brought to you by VB Health. I broke up with a friends with benefits of a few years. And she asked that I'm going to use the best. And she asked that I delete all of the photos and videos that we had exchanged over the years. And my question is, if I don't intend to share any of those publicly, am I ethically obligated to delete all of that sexy data?

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_03] I imagine using it for the occasional, wistful, nostalgic wank sometime down the line.

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_07] Of course you should delete what your former friend with benefits asked you to delete your FWB, this person that you liked and hooked up with and connected with for a while. They trusted you. And now you had this opportunity to prove you were worthy of that trust, to prove it to her and to prove it to yourself by honoring her request to delete that data, to delete that sexy ass data.

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_07] That said, no one can ever prove you didn't delete it. There is a risk, though, that your phone could get hacked, that these images could wind up against your will, not with your intent becoming public.

[00:11:57] [SPEAKER_07] Because, yeah, when things linger on phones and with AI out there hacking into absolutely fucking everything and everyone, there's no way of guaranteeing that these images, unless you delete them, will remain private. And that someone, some malicious actor, won't somehow, someday, in some way, be able to access them on your phone. Maybe you should delete them.

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_07] Maybe you could delete them slowly, one image at a time, one wank at a time. Each time you look at these pictures, these videos, to have a wank down memory lane, you delete one of them. Until, I don't know, six months or a year from now, until 30, 40 wanks from now, they are all gone.

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_07] There is that old saw about integrity, how you prove to yourself that you are a person with integrity. And it's to look at how you behave, how you act, when no one is watching. And in a sense, you aren't being watched. She made this request. You can tell her that you will delete them or you have deleted them, whether you intend to delete them or have deleted them or not.

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_07] If you don't honor her request, you will have proven to no one else but yourself that you are not a man of integrity. So I would encourage you. Don't you want to look in the mirror and see a man of integrity? I would encourage you to do the right fucking thing, the thing you were asked to do, and delete these pictures and delete these videos at the request of your former partner.

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_07] It's not as if you, a young man with access to the internet, lacks for other pictures, images. There's no porn shortage out there. You can find other shit to look off and jack off to, including, I assume, pictures, videos you've shared with other lovers who didn't ask you to delete them after the relationships that you were in with them ran their course.

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_07] I'm assuming you have a big digital wank bank file on your phone, as most young people these days do. You know, I will say, if you're going to share pics and videos with someone, you have to recognize that asking them to delete them after the fact, if the relationship has run its course or you get cold feet about these images being out there, you are relying on the honor system and a person's sense of their own integrity.

[00:14:40] [SPEAKER_07] There are no guarantees that the photos aren't still out there on other people's phones, despite your requests that should have been honored for them to be deleted. We, as adults, moving through a world where our intimate lives are really integrated into our devices, into our phones, into the matrix, we have to know that when we share these images,

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_07] we may not be in control of them anymore, and they may escape containment. The internet, sex messages, dirty videos, dirty pics, once shared, are forever. And you have to weigh the risks against the rewards. The risk that you can't control this image, that this image might circulate or get out there, even without the malicious intent, not as revenge porn, just shit happens

[00:15:38] [SPEAKER_07] and shit can happen to sex messages, might get out there. And you have to weigh that risk against the reward of sexy times. You enjoyed sharing these pictures and videos. Is that pleasure, that reward, that charge you got, is that worth the risk that you run forever, that those images, now that they exist out in the world and are outside of your control, may escape containment.

[00:16:07] [SPEAKER_07] And if that's not a risk that you're comfortable running, yeah, maybe don't share pics and videos and or don't share them with people you really can't trust to delete them when you ask them to.

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_10] This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Squarespace. We use Squarespace for the Hump Film Festival and you should use it for your business, website, blog, or creative project. Now visuals are not my thing, so I'm all too happy to use Squarespace's well-designed templates. You choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build your own online presence with your own special sauce and it's optimized for every device. You can easily launch your website and get discovered quickly

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[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_10] Head on over to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash Savage and use the offer code Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash Savage and use the offer code Savage.

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_06] Hey Dan, I have a question about ABDL. My partner and I recently went to a store that specializes in ABDL products and hosts events for their community. We went out of curiosity thinking that we'd be interested in exploring it as we're both into Little's play and thought that this could be a fun, spicy way to get some new ideas for immersing in our role play.

[00:18:10] [SPEAKER_06] We were attending the event and happened to be there during a book signing and the author was sharing stories that were like literotica based on ABDL and my partner and I left with more questions than we actually had answers for. For example, do ABDL folks actually soil themselves when wearing diapers or is it

[00:18:39] [SPEAKER_06] just the idea of it?

[00:18:41] [SPEAKER_07] Joining me to help tackle this question, Fancy, co-host and co-owner of In the Nook, a podcast for diaper lovers, Littles and Middles. Fancy, thank you so much for coming on the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for having me. I'm super excited to be here. So before we get into the specifics of this Little's question, this caller's question, you've done 253 episodes of In the Nook. There's a lot to talk about when it comes to ABDL.

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_08] I mean, yeah, 100%. I mean, there's so much crossover within the community and other kinks and fetishes that, you know, it's, we talk about crossover all the time and how we interact with, you know, rubber or pet play or furries or even more of your just BDSM and extending play scenes. So, yes, it's, there's a ton to unpack.

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_07] I want to be clear here that when we talk about pet play, when people talk about pet play in kink spaces, they don't mean pets. They don't mean actual cats or dogs or ferrets. They mean people pretending to be cats or dogs. Just like with Littles, it's people pretending to be toddlers and getting a charge out of that. Yeah, more of that head space. The head space. The caller says that they're a little and they, just for people who haven't heard that term before, what is a little and what is a middle?

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_08] So littles and middles are just different, kind of more like an age classification within the community. Like, you know, your littles are going to be more of your, you know, not very independent, very dependent upon their caregiver.

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_07] We're talking about adults here who enjoy pretending to be toddlers.

[00:20:24] [SPEAKER_08] Yes. Correct. It's really more of a regression space that, you know, kind of more of that carefree, you know, at that age you don't have any worries about bills or, you know, work or, you know, outside drama. It's all about regressing to a headspace where you are free to just kind of relax and be innocent.

[00:20:47] [SPEAKER_07] Whenever anybody can't quite wrap their head around a kink, and for a lot of people, I think, ABDL toddlers, littles, middles, is challenging. I always say just look for the power dynamic. There's always a power dynamic at the root of it, and for someone who's a little, like the caller is, you're relieved of the burdens of adulthood. Yes, you get to be carefree, but you also are in the care of, also known as the control of, the adult in the room, and you, while you pretend

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_07] to be a toddler, you are not the adult in the room anymore, and it is an escape, and for some people that's sexual, but it's not an interest in actual children, which, of course, with this kink, just like when you talk about pup play or pet play, people go, wait, wait, are you talking about bestiality? Like, no, not talking about bestiality. Just like with this kink, people go, wait, are you talking about kids? It's like, no, you're talking about adults pretending and to consenting adults. Okay,

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_07] so to the question the caller actually asked, do ABDLs, when you see the guys out in diapers at a fetish night, are they soiling their diapers? And I'm wondering if that question is offensive, like asking a gay couple, hey, which one of you is the man? Or is this something that people who are into diapers know that people, other people who aren't into diapers will naturally be curious about?

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_08] I would say that's also a personal preference. I mean, there are so many people within the community that have such a broad spectrum of, you know, they may wear, they may not even wear. They may have, you know, sexual tendencies for the diaper, just like, you know, you may have a tendency to like a jockstrap or a certain style brief. It's, a lot of people have different relationships with diapers, whether it's using them

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_08] as intended, whether it's wearing them for comfort purposes and never using them. You have so many people that are on such a vast range in the community, whether it's, they use it to extend play scenes, they're very into water sports and like to be used as a urinal, or they are into messing and that's what they use it for. As far as soiling in public,

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_08] typically you're never going to see the line being crossed where it's a messy diaper in public, especially at fetish nights or any kind of fetish event. That is kind of one of the boundaries that most fetish events and, you know, as far as the ABDL community, that is kind of one of the boundaries that is usually set. You know, don't mess in public. Nobody wants to smell it.

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_08] Nobody should be forced to interact with it. As far as wetting, I mean, most people in the community, I will say, probably are pretty comfortable with using the diaper for wetting. There are some that don't, but it is pretty common.

[00:23:55] [SPEAKER_07] So when you see somebody into diapers or you know that somebody's into diapers, you just can't assume. And there is a norm in the community around no shitting in diapers in public because that's an imposition. 100%, yeah. And, you know, I don't think it's involving somebody in your kink for somebody to clearly get a visual on your kink, like you're wearing a collar in public or at a fetish event, you're in gear. Dikers are a kind of gear, but you don't enact your fetish in public in a way

[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_07] that imposes on others, whatever your kink, whatever your fetish might be.

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_08] Well, and then you have incontinent people that are into the fetish because it's part of how they relieve themselves and how they've, you know, found somebody that could, you know, maybe see them as attractive. You know, it's...

[00:24:47] [SPEAKER_07] So a lemonade out of lemons moment for some people. Like, let's make the best of this. Yeah. How, when did you, are you into diapers? Yes. When did you become consciously aware of that?

[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_08] I personally, probably around the fourth or fifth grade. People don't choose their kinks.

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_07] Yeah. We choose how we interact with them. give them out, like how we enjoy them, interact with them, whether we're going to keep it as fantasy only or we're going to find partners out there. And you talk about the diaper community, the ABDL community, the internet, man. The internet made communities and allowed for the establishment of community norms like don't shit your diaper in a public place, don't impose on other people in that way. That wasn't possible before the internet came along.

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_07] And rather than having people with niche kinks living in isolation feeling like they're the only one and they have no potential to find a mate or a like-minded individual partner out there, the internet made it possible for people to connect.

[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_08] And find community.

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_07] Find community and that's great. And In the Nook is where people in the ABDL community create and find community on your show. Where can people find it online who are looking for it now?

[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_08] You can find us at In the Nook Pod on all social media, Blue Sky, Twitter, Instagram, all streaming platforms we're pretty much available.

[00:26:12] [SPEAKER_07] Fancy, thank you so much for jumping on with me today. I really appreciate it. It's my pleasure. Thanks for having me. This episode is brought to you by Drive Boost by VB Health. Libido is a life force. No matter your gender, if you're struggling to feel desire, you're not alone in this anxiety-eracked world. I think we should reach for any help we can to kindle our erotic lives and Drive Boost can help you get your spark back. That is why we are excited to tell you about Drive Boost from VB Health. VB Health

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[00:27:36] [SPEAKER_02] Dan, I went on a second date with this guy that I really was excited about, and it was the first time in a very long time that I had really enjoyed a first date and then, like, hadn't been ghosted. But we made out, and every part of it was horrible. He was, like, eating my face and crushing me into the couch with, like, seemingly no awareness, even though my face was getting buried in a pillow and, like, just, like,

[00:28:06] [SPEAKER_02] grinding against me and, like, that was, like, the only action and I was, like, you know, that's, like, fun for you and not for me and, like, he didn't even, like, touch my boobs. The only, like, good thing he did was that he was, like, moving his hands, like, around my back and, like, neck and stuff and I was, like, okay, well, at least you're not just, like, being totally still but it was, like, so lack lack of, like, awareness and skill like,

[00:28:35] [SPEAKER_02] even when we were just, like, cuddling on the couch and started first making out he just kind of, like, squeezed me in this really weird way and I was, like, our bodies are not in a position where this is, like, bringing me closer to you. You're just kind of, like, pushing on my bones and I was, like, trying to adjust us and he was just doing weird things and all my friends are, like, oh, just, like, train him and I'm, like, I don't have confidence in my ability to do that in part because I really struggle to, like, give critical feedback

[00:29:05] [SPEAKER_02] and also because he was so inept at every element. It wasn't just, like, a few moves he was doing that I didn't like. So, like, can you train somebody if you just didn't like any part of what they were bringing to the bedroom, so to speak? I just feel like if we slept together, like, it would just be way more of that and it would be horrible and I would die. What do you think?

[00:29:31] [SPEAKER_07] I think it's really hard right now for people to find a date, to go on a date. People aren't dating. Hard to find someone to go on even a date with and to then find someone that the first date was great or good enough that you wanted to go on a second date like you did with this guy. It's making me hesitate to tell you to not train this guy, to not give

[00:30:00] [SPEAKER_07] it and him a chance, but I don't want you to die and listening to you list off all the ways in which his touch and his demeanor and his absolutely everything except his rubbing his hands up and down your back game left you feeling awful, not turned on, not aroused, the way he was pushing on your bones, the way that didn't work for you,

[00:30:30] [SPEAKER_07] the way nothing about this guy's physical approach worked for you. That sounds less like you need to train him and more like you need to restrain him. You need to tie him to a chair and then approach him how you want to approach him that you can't trust this guy to be at liberty in your room on your couch with his hands free to do whatever the fuck he

[00:30:59] [SPEAKER_07] wants to do and yet I do find myself hesitating to tell you not to give this guy another chance just because oh man everything I'm reading, everything I'm hearing from people is about how impossible it is to date right now to find anybody you're even remotely interested in or attracted to so maybe it would be worth not training him in any sort of subtle way but stepping outside your own

[00:31:29] [SPEAKER_07] comfort zone about giving somebody critical feedback and just being really blunt with this guy and saying look I like you let's go out on a third date no making out no touch because there is something we need to talk about and maybe he thinks this kind of aggressive bone pushing is what's expected of him and if he isn't sexually inexperienced yeah maybe this worked for a previous girlfriend or

[00:31:59] [SPEAKER_07] one or two previous girlfriends or anybody else he's ever been with didn't enjoy this any more than you enjoyed it but nobody has spoken up to him about it yet and he needs to hear it from somebody and maybe that somebody could be you and it's less about training him then and more about deconstructing him starting over from scratch and teaching him not how to touch women's bodies because not all people

[00:32:29] [SPEAKER_07] enjoy being touched in the exact same way but teaching him how to touch your body and if you risked having that kind of just peeling the bark off him come to Jesus-y conversation you could assess then whether he was somebody that you wanted to give this I guess third chance third date third chance to based entirely on his reaction if he's receptive to this feedback if he doesn't get defensive

[00:32:58] [SPEAKER_07] if he's oh my god if he's grateful for the feedback because maybe he's never gotten past a second date before because all other women have gotten to this point with him and then ghosted or bailed or said thank you but not for me not don't want to see you again no hard feelings I'm a little too busy at work right now I'm not looking for a relationship maybe every other woman who's had the exact same shitty experience with him that you just had trotted out one of those white face-saving

[00:33:28] [SPEAKER_07] ego-sparing lies and he has no idea what the fuck he's doing wrong all he knows is he can't get to a third date and as hard as it might be for him to hear your criticism it might be exactly what he needs to hear that said it's not your responsibility to fix him it's not your responsibility to train him it is not your responsibility to restrain him but I could understand I could wrap my head around why you might want to give him a chance or

[00:33:57] [SPEAKER_07] why your friends some of whom have probably not gotten to a first date or a second date with anybody recently because it is hard out there in the dating scene in every city I can understand why they might be encouraging you to give this guy that you liked until the makeout session another chance but you're gonna have to give him the business you're gonna have to give him the feedback again don't want you to

[00:34:26] [SPEAKER_07] die but could understand why you might not for him but for you why you might want to give him one last chance but don't give him that chance if you can't over up and use your words and tell him what was wrong with everything that he did on that second date and then tell him how he could do it better this episode is brought to you by field the dating app you keep hearing my

[00:34:56] [SPEAKER_07] callers talk about on this show if you're wondering why it's because field serves the curious the open-minded and people who know that the concept of normal is overrated swipe culture not a thing on field you can browse profiles without having to say yes or no right away and take your time making intentional decisions about who you engage with put your interests and desires right on your profile desires like being a brat exploring ds or bdsm and even friendship

[00:35:25] [SPEAKER_07] field supports honesty in its very architecture your bio can be as long as you like but if you have something you only want to say to people you're vibing with that you've connected with you can write a hidden bio which you choose when to share with potential future lovers and friends and active consent is embedded into the very design of field for example dm photos with nudity are automatically blurred to give the recipient the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to see them and field has

[00:35:55] [SPEAKER_07] a new feature called reflections it's designed to reveal you to yourself what you desire the relationship style that works best for you your boundaries by answering these deeper questions about yourself you can reflect before you connect what are my actual boundaries what do I deeply desire what type of relationship do I really want if you have the language to say what you want if you can use your words you will be so much closer to getting what you want you know it sounds a lot like the advice I give people on this

[00:36:25] [SPEAKER_07] show know thyself little introspection use your words try reflections right now by visiting field.co slash reflections or by downloading field on the app store or google play field it's where it's at and it's where my people are at and if you're one of my people you're gonna want to get on field

[00:36:44] [SPEAKER_02] hi Dan I feel like there's been a lot of discussion of feet and foot fetishes on the show lately and it made me wonder is there a beauty standard for feet feet and what makes a sexy foot or is it completely personal like obviously people have different beauty standards for all of people's bodies and what is

[00:37:14] [SPEAKER_02] preferred but there is definitely like a beauty standard that people recognize and I was curious if it's the same for feet or not

[00:37:23] [SPEAKER_07] beauty is in the eye of the beholder one foot fetishist's prized foot or feet plural hopefully maybe another foot fetishist's idea of the least possible attractive feet out there beauty what we think of as beautiful what we find hot or attractive is personal and very deeply subjective and yet we can't be in denial the existence of beauty standards like you bring up caller beauty standards

[00:37:52] [SPEAKER_07] are a thing and there are beauty standards that people apply foot fetishists broadly apply to feet there are four feet for foot fetishists just as there are for boobs or body sizes or faces notions of what is or isn't conventionally attractive physical traits that most people in a particular society time place agree are desirable or good-looking or alluring and

[00:38:22] [SPEAKER_07] foot fetishists of course are subject to the same kinds of I don't know the same combo platter of hard wiring and socialization that instills in others notions of conventional attractiveness with regards to other body parts and body types for feet works that way for feet as well when you talk to foot fetishists as I have and you ask them what kinds of feet they find attractive you tend to hear a lot of the same things over and over

[00:38:52] [SPEAKER_07] again symmetrical feet well yeah symmetry very highly prized when it comes to just about anything faces boobs butts feet but also uh high arches uniform toe lengths polished you know very well taken care of feet clean feet no corns polished toenails and also the tyranny of the slender slender bodies applies also to feet you hear again and

[00:39:20] [SPEAKER_07] again that small feet and slender feet for the majority of foot fetishists are the most attractive feet and again the majority of foot fetishists out there are men the majority of men are straight and we are talking about an aspect a fetishized aspect of a woman's body and so yeah slender which is a tyrannical notion of conventional attractiveness that is applied to women's bodies and

[00:39:50] [SPEAKER_07] all other parts of women's bodies by foot fetish is also going to be applied to feet and yet there are gay male foot fetishists out there who want beefy meaty feet covered in hair who like gunky toenails when you really get into the weeds and you meet more and more foot fetishists as I have over the last 30 years you wind up hearing from people extolling singing the praises of getting horny when they talk about

[00:40:19] [SPEAKER_07] not just pretty slender feet with nice painted toenails and high arches but hooves some people who have foot fetishists are really into hooves some people are not into clean feet they want stinky feet dirty feet they'll send their ggg non foot fetishist partner out to garden for a few hours or up for a walk in the park barefoot because they want them to come home with filthy fucking feet so we can't be

[00:40:49] [SPEAKER_07] in denial about notions of what is or isn't conventionally attractive we can't be in denial about beauty standards existing one of the things that's so wonderful and in a roundabout way affirming about human sexuality is that whatever the beauty standard is the prevailing beauty standard might be at any given time which is as much about socialization and social norms as it is I think about

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_07] hard wiring one of the beautiful things is that there will be lots of people who transgress against that notion of conventional attractiveness when it comes to feet or anything else about a human body and they will want the opposite so whatever you look like whatever your feet look like if you're a foot fetish top very few foot fetish tops out there there's somebody out there who has a foot fetish and your feet

[00:41:46] [SPEAKER_07] are going to work for them just like there are people out there conventional idea the beauty standard around slim thinner bodies yeah that is the conventional reigning beauty standard when it comes to body size and yet there are people out there into all types of bodies there are people out there into bigger bodies so beauty standards yes they can be oppressive one of the ways we liberate ourselves from

[00:42:16] [SPEAKER_07] oppressive beauty standards is to find the people whose standard of beauty whose subjective personal own standard of beauty notions of what may not be conventionally attractive but what for them is overwhelmingly attractive includes us our bodies our feet so beauty standards where feet are concerned definitely a thing and yet not as we see with all sorts of other ideas of conventional

[00:42:46] [SPEAKER_07] attractiveness not a prison not if you get creative and you make a leopard to get out there and find your people find the people who are into you and the feet and whatever else you bring to the table or the dungeon or the bed not a limit on your ability to be sexual and connect time for listener feedback first up a few of the comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread at savage.love

[00:43:15] [SPEAKER_07] says hazardous index about the lady who didn't want to have sex with her male partner for 45 minutes I know advice on the internet is always to end the relationship and that constructive advice is harder to give and Dan gave constructive advice and that's great to me though it sounded like overwhelming sexual incompatibility and it seems to me we should prioritize sexual compatibility and end relationships that simply do not work out when they're this bad hey I

[00:43:44] [SPEAKER_07] agree I'm always telling people they should prioritize sexual compatibility alongside emotional compatibility but I do think that particular caller and her partner might want to give it a little bit more effort might want to try to work this one out before ending things says BG the feedback for a caller who wanted to end a relationship because of the size of her man's dick was to break up with him but not tell him it was because of the size of his dick I'm all about leave them in better shape than you found them but at what point are we prioritizing fragile male

[00:44:14] [SPEAKER_07] egos over the empowerment of women maybe it's the angry lesbian in me existing in the Trump era but upholding male egos right now isn't sitting right with me mediocre men could use a little humility actually a lot of humility so tell him his dick isn't up to your standards and move on why no pun intended soften the blow I'm gonna let no cute name respond to this one I get that you're an angry lesbian existing in the Trump era I'm an angry cishet woman with gay and

[00:44:43] [SPEAKER_07] trans family members living in the Trump era but why take out one's anger on this poor man who's done nothing wrong and can't control the size of his penis he isn't having a small dick at her on purpose to make her unhappy there were lots of great comments from everyone about the five-year-old who wanted a padlock and chain necklace I particularly loved this one from Quinn the chain and lock discussion is cracking me up as a jeweler these designs have existed since at least the Victorian era

[00:45:13] [SPEAKER_07] so it's not a wink at the mainstreaming of BDSM it symbolizes having your heart locked up until you find the right key if you get the kid a dainty chain in a small fashionable lock no one will think twice all right got something to say about something I said jump into the comment thread at savage.love and say it there or give us a call at 206-302-2064 or send us a voice memo at q at savage.love if you want to say it with your whole

[00:45:42] [SPEAKER_07] chest here on the show and now savage love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have as they always do the last word on this week's show

[00:45:52] [SPEAKER_00] hi Dan this is in response to the question about how to explain what sex is to little kids you're making the question way too complicated it doesn't need to be about reproduction most of the sex that people have is not about reproduction so you know as you experienced with your own kid it frames it in a way that makes it kind of untrue and not really accurate when we talk about sex about being about reproduction I told my kids that sex was adults touching each other's private parts because it feels good that answered their questions and

[00:46:22] [SPEAKER_00] now it was not a perfectly nuanced answer right it doesn't address issues about you know adolescents having sex or you know when sex is about reproduction or solo sex but when your kids three four five six that's enough of an answer it's accurate it's true and it's simple hi Dan I'm

[00:46:43] [SPEAKER_09] calling in response to the caller whose five-year-old nephew wanted a necklace with a padlock on it I'm a kindergarten teacher I just really feel like this is a prime time to tell the child no no you may not have this type of a necklace end of story not a long explanation if you wanted to say something you might say I can get you a locket that's a totally

[00:47:12] [SPEAKER_09] appropriate necklace for a five-year-old to wear but I also feel like kids sometimes just need to hear a gentle no not a long explanation just no I can't tell you how many times we had kids bring you know toys and stuffies and an iPad one day we took it away from them gave it back to their adult and just said no no you may not have these items I feel like sometimes kids just

[00:47:40] [SPEAKER_09] need to hear a gentle no and that's the answer hi Dan this

[00:47:47] [SPEAKER_01] is a response to the woman whose five-year-old nephew wanted to wear a padlock and chain necklace those have been a part of punk culture for like the best part of 50 years at this point Sid Vicious used to wear on do you know I mean so like maybe the kids are punk maybe he's a little punk he's into DIY tattoos as well also you know you're gonna stop kids from wearing like a

[00:48:15] [SPEAKER_01] puppy mask or an animal costume just because sex freaks have got into them you know it's a slippery slope just let the little kid be a punk

[00:48:26] [SPEAKER_07] and we are going to leave it there got a question for me got a comment for us go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your questions or comments directly onto our website or email us a voice memo at q at savage.love or give us a call at 206-302-2064 if you yes you tried something new and you want to tell me all about it email us at q at savage.love let us know what you tried and you might be my next guest on after action report the call for submissions for the

[00:48:56] [SPEAKER_07] 2027 hump film festival has gone out there's no charge to enter hump and if your film gets in not only does your film screen in theaters all over the world but you will also get a cut of ticket sales deadline for submissions is November 6th all the details everything you need to know about getting your dirty little masterpiece into our dirty little film festival is at hump film fest dot com slash submit follow me on blue sky at dan savage follow me on

[00:49:24] [SPEAKER_07] instagram at fancy dot df3 in the nook the podcast for diaper lovers and littles and middles is on instagram at in the nook pod and the show is available wherever you get your podcasts and if you never want to miss one of faith hills wonderfully insightful thoroughly reported stories about sex dating movies and culture subscribe to the atlantic and you can follow the atlantic on instagram at the atlantic the savage love cast is produced every week by nancy hartunian and me and nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth we will all be back

[00:49:54] [SPEAKER_07] at you next week with an installment of the savage love cast thank you as ever for download