Savage Love Episode 1043

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_16] Today's episode is brought to you by Love Unlimited, a sexual wellness retailer that carries brands like Lilo and B-Vibe and nothing on the package says what's inside. For a limited time, all toys are buy one, get one 50% off. If you are like me, if you are looking for a recommendation from me, get the Love & Domi 2. You will be glad you did. Go to loveunlimited.com slash savage or use code savage at checkout.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_02] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grownups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'.

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_01] If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, I'm the Savage Lovecast.

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_16] I don't care where a good idea comes from. All right, that is all the election talk, all the politics talk you're going to get at the top of this week's show. It's a deep cut. Bill Clinton said that when he was running for president in 1992. Google triangulation if you want to learn more, but it won't be on the final, so don't sweat it.

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_16] Speaking of good ideas, After Action Report, my idea and a good one. People seem to be enjoying our new mini podcast. And you know the drill. If you tried something new and you want to tell me all about it, good experience, bad, meh. Email us at qatsavage.love and you could be my next guest on After Action Report. This week, a quickie show, quick questions, quick answers. That was Nancy's idea and a good one.

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_16] Listeners love our quickies episodes and we are happy to be bringing you another one on this day of all days. A day we all have time to kill. A day we need distractions. So buckle up. We've got tons of quick listener questions for you. Tons of quick, sometimes not so quick, host answers. If you've ever wondered what my three favorite smells are, you are about to find out.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_16] But first, Jane, one of our regular commenters. Jane had a really good idea. A little context for Jane's idea. Last week, I encouraged a caller to shoot her shot, to drop off that note with her phone number and an invitation to coffee at her crush's place of employment. Not her place of employment, I should note. I wasn't telling a coworker to hit on a coworker or a manager to hit on someone they supervise or a prof to hit on a student.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_16] I was just encouraging one human being who encountered another human being moving through the world to reach out to that human being in a respectful and non-threatening way. To shoot her shot. That inspired Jane to jump into the comments and say, I think we need a whole episode of shoot your shot stories with all kinds of results, like after action reports. Which shots were successful? Which ones were disastrous? Which were ignored? But brave.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_16] I think that's a great idea. Not just because those stories would be fun to hear and share here on the show. I'll share one of mine in a minute. But because there's a whole generation of young people out there, a generation and a half really, Gen Z and younger millennials, who aren't getting laid in alarming numbers. They aren't shooting their shots.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_16] We've done a couple of deep dives into the sex recession with the Atlantic's Faith Hill, episode 1033 and the Kinsey Institute's Dr. Justin Garcia, episode 1041. The stats are depressing. 29% of Gen Z haven't had any sexual partners in the last three months. 19% have never had a partner. 31% aren't sexually active. Now, the sex recession has many causes. It is multi-causal, as they say.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_16] But one of the drivers, along with a lot of Gen Z living at home with the parents and everyone being broke, a big driver, the fear of rejection. Gen Z and younger millennials are afraid to shoot their shot because they're worried about getting shot down. Maybe hearing from people who shot their shots and lived, even if they got rejected, they didn't die. Maybe that might inspire Gen Z and those younger millennials to shoot some shots of their own. I'll go first.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_16] Cute boy at the club, dancing with his friends. A friend of mine ordered me to shoot my shot. So when the cute boy came up to coat check to get something out of a pocket, and that's where I was lurking with my friend. Thank you again, Ginger Vitus. I smiled at the cute boy and said, You have a pretty mouth. Pretty cringe as shots go, like serial killer levels of cringe there. But the pretty boy shot back. You have a pretty mouth? The better to eat you with, he said.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_16] I wound up marrying that man. If I were to dissect my shot, if I were to pull a pointer out of it, I think it helped that I didn't follow the pretty boy into a bathroom stall and corner him when I said, You have a pretty mouth. Would have vibed different if I had done that. I mean, we did wind up cornering each other in a bathroom stall. Later that night, we cornered the shit out of each other in that bathroom stall. But when I said it, when I shot my shot, he was free to turn on his heel and walk away.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_16] And no one would have blamed him for running away when I shooted my shot or shot at my shoot. Just like the caller's crush from last week's show is free to toss her note and the invitation to copy in the trash if he's not interested. Shooting your shot, you're making a pass. And you should always, when making a pass, use your words. But don't worry about being cringe. Don't be paralyzed by the fear of being cringe. Cringe makes for a great story.

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_16] The other person, remember though, needs an easy out if they're not interested. And if they reject you, remember, you won't die. You have a pretty mouth? Isn't the only shot I ever took. I was 30 when I met Terry at that club that night. And I had taken plenty of shots by then and gotten shot down plenty. And I lived long enough to shoot out and in the right guy. So even if you get rejected when you shoot your shot, you will live too. All right.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_16] Hey, if you've got a shoot your shot story, call it in. We'll play a few maybe on an upcoming episode. See how that goes. Thank you again, Jane, for the suggestion. And coming up on this week's show, it is, as I've already said, a quickies episode. So many calls. And you people are so nosy. What's my favorite lube? What's my favorite dirty book? If I had a fursona, what would it be? Who says that I don't? I answer all of these personal questions and all of your questions about your own sex lives as quickly as I can.

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_16] It's an all calls, all questions, all answers show. No guests. Just your quickies and my quick answers. And here's a reminder that if you want to keep pelting me with personal questions, the next Savage Love Live Zoom Hangout is coming right up November 12th, noon Pacific time, 3 p.m. Eastern time, 9 p.m. Join me and other Savage Lovecast subs for the Zoom Hangout. It is always a blast.

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_16] If you're not yet a Magnum sub and you want an invitation to the party, go to savage.love and click on subscribe so that you get your invitation to Savage Love Live on the morning of the show along with all of my other subs. You'll also get the longer ad-free show, more Savage Love, and the knowledge that you're helping support everyone here who works at Savage Love Industries to keep all of this fun, sexy, crazy content coming. You'll also have the honor, of course, then, of being one of my subs. All right.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_16] On to this week's first quick question.

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_02] This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_16] This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses ever. And right now, my listeners get 27% off site-wide when you go to helixsleep.com slash savage.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_05] Hello, Dan. I am a 31-year-old straight woman living in the Pacific Northwest, and I love anal. So I have got a quickie question for you. What is your favorite anal lube to use? I am tired of the lube that my partner buys, and I think I want to buy some. So what is your favorite anal lube to use? And also, just so all of your listeners know, I am one of those women that also loves giving blowjobs. And I love anal, both, you know, receiving and playing with my partner's butt. We do exist.

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_16] Thank you, caller, for speaking up, for being the voice of those women out there that love giving blowjobs and love anal. All right, my favorite lube for butt stuff when I'm in the United States, Spunk Lube, the hybrid. And when I'm in Europe, my favorite, Luvara. They have a lube called Long Night Stand. They also have a lube called Pussy Polish. They have a lube called Watergate.

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_16] But Long Night Stand is my preferred brand of lube when I'm in Europe for butt stuff. Those are my recommendations. You can get spunk at their website and to find Luvara and order all of their different lubes to try them out, joydivision.de. Have fun. And caller, thanks again. Thanks for representing those blowjob-loving, butt-stuff-loving women out there.

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_04] Dan, video games?

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_16] Dig Dug, Mrs. Pac-Man, Pong. Hate to date myself here, but those are my video games. Don't play any video games at home, don't have a video game console, don't play Zelda or whatever else the fuck. Dig Dug, this is Pac-Man, Pong.

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_17] Hi, Dan and seeing all the tech savvy at Risk Youth. 29 bi poly woman here. I'm fairly new to the game of dating women. And I have had sexual experiences so far and dates, but I haven't had a sleepover yet. And I will be having one this Saturday. And I'm very excited.

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_17] But I was wondering, in a women-love-women relationship, who farts first in front of the other? Usually it's the guy, right? So, what's your take on this?

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_16] Whoever falls asleep first, farts first.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_15] Hi, Dan. Like you, I have a husband and a boyfriend who is long distance. What are some activities that you do, other than virtual sex, to keep the connection going? For instance, we watch the same TV shows, so we have something to talk about, play video games, books. What are some other things that you do so that you have a connection and have something to talk about with your boyfriend?

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_16] The only thing I would add to watching the same shows and chatting about them, playing video games online, which I have done with my long distance boyfriend, texting. It's such a marvelous tool for people in long distance relationships to keep in touch. I was in a long distance relationship in my 20s, and it was all airmail and took a week for a letter to arrive. Now, you can just text. So, I want to recommend texting.

[00:11:25] [SPEAKER_16] But my boyfriend does not like to text. So, texting for me is a one-way street. And it's become me texting things to him that I think are interesting or want to chat about. And met with the stony silence. And then he treats my long text threads as an agenda for when we get on the phone. And then we scroll through them and discuss each one in turn. So, text with your boyfriend. Send links. Send clips. Send Instagram Reels.

[00:11:54] [SPEAKER_16] Send porn you think you might like. And then, when you get on the phone, you can talk about them. Or maybe you have a boyfriend who will text you right back. I don't know what it's like to have a boyfriend like that. And if you have a boyfriend like that, I am jealous of you in just that way. For just that thing and nothing else. Because my boyfriend is amazing.

[00:12:09] [SPEAKER_08] Hi, Nancy. Dan. I'm the tech savvy at risk youth. I'm wondering. I like to go to Hump. I'm a fan and a Magnum subscriber. My fiance is willing to come with me. But they're AMAB. And they're wondering, how do you deal with, you know, the penis arousal problem? You might call it. Getting a boner in public when you're watching porn with other people. How do you deal with that?

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_16] You're assigned male at birth. Penis having partner. They and their penis went to middle school. At that time in middle school, I'm sure your partner had inconvenient boners. Your partner should have some sense memory, some practical memory around what to do about an inconvenient boner. Carry a book in front of you at all times. Have a coat to put in your lap. Wear baggy trousers.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_16] Here's the thing about boners at Hump. Hump is amazing. A lot of the films will not be necessarily to your partner's taste. One of the things that's great about Hump is you see all sorts of different things happening. It's not like sitting at home watching porn in front of your computer where you are seeking out and the algorithm is serving up to you the kinds of things that necessarily turn you on, that you might masturbate to if you were alone.

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_16] You are watching these creative, sometimes really funny films that feature different body types, different sexual orientations, different gender identities, different sexual activities than you might expose yourself to or your partner might expose themselves to when they were having a wank alone at home in front of the laptop. So I don't think boners are going to be a huge issue. But if you are concerned, you're going to be in a dark theater.

[00:13:54] [SPEAKER_16] And so unless somebody sitting next to your partner staring directly down into his lap, they will not see that your partner got a boner. And if your partner gets boners easily and they don't go away without a lot of effort, tell them to bring an old algebra or history textbook with them that they can carry in front of them as they exit the theater.

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_07] Hey, Dan, I went dildo shopping for the first time in a long time recently, and the catalogs are full of monster dicks and like alien dicks and ovipositors and tentacles. When did this happen? When did all of us suddenly start having that particular kink? How did it happen? Why did it happen?

[00:14:37] [SPEAKER_16] I think a couple of things happened here. The first thing being capitalism happened here. Have you walked down the cookie aisle recently? There are 200 different varieties of Oreo cookies. Why do they keep making new and different kinds of Oreo cookies? So that people who already, I guess, have a bag of Oreo cookies at home buy another bag, a different kind of bag, try a different kind of Oreo cookie.

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_16] And I think the Oreo cookie standard may apply here where people keep churning out different kinds of butt toys so that people who have other kinds of butt hoys at home want to get new and different kinds of butt toys. Also, when you think about the tentacles and the ovipositors and the monster dicks and all the things in the dildo shop meant for penetration play that do not look like penises, 30 years ago, Babes in Toyland opened in Seattle.

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_16] It was a feminist, woman-owned, lesbian-owned sex toy shop. And one of the selling points, one of the reasons people went to Babeland to buy their sex toys was you could get dildos that didn't look like dicks. Penetration toys that were shaped like dolphins or columns of water or something, just anything but dick. Because there were lots of lesbians out there who didn't want dick energy but wanted to get dick down just the same.

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_16] They wanted a strap-on that they could get fucked with that did not look like a dick, so they got a strap-on dolphin. And straight guys. There are straight guys out there who want their asses fucked, but they worry that getting their asses fucked by something that looks like a dick might flip the magic switch in a man's butt that makes a man gay. So there's always a market out there of people who wanted butt toys, penetration toys, that they could be penetrated by, they could penetrate themselves with, or be penetrated by a partner with that did not look like dicks.

[00:16:24] [SPEAKER_16] And that converged with late-stage capitalism. The same late-stage capitalism that brought us 300, 200 different varieties of Oreo cookies and 150 different varieties of Kit Kat candy bars brought us the dildo catalogs that you are currently flipping through, where there are hundreds of different kinds of dildos.

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_16] Hopefully high-quality, 100% silicone dildos that you will use with water-based lube that are bringing you all of those dildos. Dildos that look not like dicks. And isn't that great? Because we've always said that everything in sex shouldn't revolve around the dick. And there's something about a world where all penetration toys look like dicks. There's something about that that sends a message to dick-having people that the dick is the most important thing.

[00:17:14] [SPEAKER_16] Whereas the kind of dildo stores that you've been wandering into in these catalogs and online, the message they send to people having dicks is, yeah, not all about the dicks. Not even penetrative sex is necessarily all about the dicks. So I am pro-monster dicks, pro-tentacles, pro-ovipositors, pro even those little silicone dolphins they were selling at Babeland in Seattle 30 years ago.

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_16] This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of my favorite mattress, my boyfriend's favorite mattress, and just all around my favorite place to be. Helix makes the mattress for my two favorite things in the world happen, sleep and sex. And my Helix mattresses have them in more than one room. They make both infinitely better. Actually, Helix makes my three favorite things better, sleep, sex, and listening to show tunes, which I sometimes like to do, laying in bed.

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_16] With Helix, you take a sleep quiz that makes buying a mattress easy. It matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. We have the Midnight Luxe model, and I love it so much, as does my husband, as do our very special guest stars. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S., and they offer seamless returns and exchanges.

[00:18:28] [SPEAKER_16] The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk-free, customer-first experience designed to ensure that you are completely satisfied with and by and on your new mattress. And you will be. They also offer a 365-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. And get this just for you right now. My listeners get 27% off site-wide. Now is the time to invest in your coziness.

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_16] Go to helixsleep.com slash savage for 27% off site-wide. Make sure you enter Savage Lovecast into the post-purchase survey so that they will know we sent you. That's helixsleep.com slash savage.

[00:19:11] [SPEAKER_06] Hey, Dan. Is it ill-advised to get married if one person believes in divorce and the other doesn't?

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_16] Well, divorce exists whether you both believe in it or not. It's not like somebody has to clap for divorce like divorce is Tinkerbell and believe in divorce for them to get divorced. If one person wants to divorce the other, it's irrelevant whether the other doesn't believe in divorce.

[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_16] Ending a relationship is the only aspect of a relationship where the consent of the other party isn't relevant, needed, necessary. It doesn't have to be obtained. If you want to leave somebody, if you want to break up with somebody, you do not need their permission and you do not need them to believe. Your question though, should someone marry someone if one person believes in divorce and the other person doesn't? I don't know.

[00:20:15] [SPEAKER_16] Like the other person believing in divorce or regarding divorce as an option if the relationship doesn't work out, doesn't mean they're definitely going to divorce you. It just means that divorce is a right, that they could see themselves exercising if the relationship is unsatisfactory over the long term. And even the person who doesn't fucking believe in divorce, if the relationship is awful or high conflict or just blah,

[00:20:43] [SPEAKER_16] I bet you dollars to donuts, that person who at the start said they don't believe in divorce. If the relationship is a terrible one, if the marriage was a mistake, they will get religion about divorce. They will believe, they will clap for divorce and avail themselves of that right to end the relationship, end the marriage. If they reach a point where that seems like the most rational, logical, and obvious choice.

[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_16] So no, I don't think this is something that both people need to be on the same page about at the start of the relationship. Believing in divorce, not believing in divorce. Marrying someone who doesn't believe in divorce doesn't mean you will never get divorced. And marrying someone who does believe in divorce doesn't mean you will get divorced. Divorce is a fact and it exists whether one of you, the other of you, or both of you believe in it or not.

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_16] I don't think it's a song, any moment from Into the Woods. I don't think it's a song about an open relationship, not an ethically non-monogamous open relationship. To bring the non-musical theater queens out there up to speed, the baker and the baker's wife are off in the woods having an adventure. The baker's wife on her own runs into the prince, Cinderella's prince. They have a moment. He seduces her. They kiss. Something else might have happened. And then he's gone.

[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_16] And the baker's wife goes back to the baker and she sings this song any moment where there are the lyrics. It's always or and never and. Meaning you're married, you're in a monogamous relationship. It's the baker or the prince. It can't be the baker and the prince. But for this brief moment when she was off alone in the woods, she experienced and. And she chooses to go back to the baker. She chooses or.

[00:22:53] [SPEAKER_16] And she appreciates or a little more because she briefly had and. But she had the and behind. The and being the prince. This experience with the prince was behind the baker's back. And the baker never finds out about it. And they don't have an agreement. And I think it's more of a song about that zone of erotic autonomy where a married person might go to a bar, flirt with somebody else, feel affirmed in their attractiveness. Maybe have.

[00:23:21] [SPEAKER_16] A sexual experience that makes them feel alive and like an individual again, and also makes them appreciate everything that they have with their partner. Now, this is, of course, an experience that people in open relationships have all the time. You know, I get to have Terry and my boyfriend, my husband and my boyfriend. And one of the things I love about my husband is I don't have to choose. It's not him or my boyfriend. It's him and my boyfriend.

[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_16] But I do think that, at least in the context of this show, these characters, what Sondheim is writing about, what we're seeing, is that moment when a married person might have a brief interaction, even a sexual experience that their partner doesn't know about that makes them feel alive and attractive. They are in the woods. The woods here, in my interpretation being, they are deep in their zone of erotic autonomy.

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_16] And they had an autonomous experience as an individual. And then they head back to their married partner with a new appreciation for their married partner once they've left the woods where there's an erotic autonomy. So, yeah, any moment, beautiful song. Not about open relationships. About something a little darker, which is appropriate for a show that's as dark as Into the Woods.

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_02] This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. They make it easy to build a website, blog, or online store. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand all in one place. And I know, because you may know, the Lovecast has run out of the Stranger newspaper here in Seattle, and we just started a new project called Noise Complaint. It showcases local bands, so it offers video and audio and links to other sites.

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_02] It's a little complicated, and it was a breeze to put together because we use Squarespace. We actually switched from another service, and man, are we glad we did. And with Squarespace's analytics tools, we'll be able to track where our website traffic is coming from, what our visitors are looking for, and how they're interacting with our content. It's really great. They're not playing around over at Squarespace. They are here to lift you up. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial.

[00:25:35] [SPEAKER_02] And when you're ready to launch, use Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage, and use the offer code savage.

[00:25:46] [SPEAKER_19] Hi, Dan. Would you share with us what your all-time favorite erotic film is? I'm so curious. And also, if you have suggestions for resources of finding good erotic cinema, not just erotic or porn and not just cinema that has a little bit of skin, but like really good combination of both, a good film that's highly erotically charged.

[00:26:14] [SPEAKER_19] Obviously, there's a lot on canopy, but outside of that, just trying to find good film can be tricky. So would love your thoughts.

[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_16] Well, we all know the sexiest thing I've seen on a screen in a long time. Heated rivalry. But that's not cinema. That's a television show. You asked about cinema. I don't watch a lot of erotic cinema. I don't watch a lot of pornography unless I'm judging the Hump Film Festival. I don't seek out erotica.

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_16] When I think, though, about a film that worked for me erotically when I was young, the 1972 film version of the musical Cabaret directed by Bob Bossie starring, of course, Liza Minnelli as Sally Bowles and the young and gorgeous and hot and not yet a right wing crank. Michael York as Brian Roberts.

[00:27:10] [SPEAKER_16] Man, I thought that movie was really fucking sexy. The Berlin it showed me, but also the love triangle that Sally and Brian wind up in with German aristocrat Max. You never get to see anything. You just kind of see Lance's tension. You see an explosion afterwards, kind of meltdown afterwards.

[00:27:36] [SPEAKER_16] My favorite line in the movie, of course, is when Sally looks at Brian and they're fighting about Max. Brian says to Sally, fuck Maximilian. And Sally narrows her eyes and looks at Brian and says, I do. And then Brian smiles and sad laugh escapes him. And he says, so do I. That line, when I saw that, when I was 14 or 15, oh my God, blew my mind. I thought that was so fucked up and so hot.

[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_16] So Cabaret, my favorite piece of cinematic erotica. Runner up, perhaps a close runner up. Breakfast in Bed, a film by Ethan Folk and Ty Wardwell, which was created for the Hump Film Festival. If you haven't seen it, well, I'm not going to tell you anything about it. It's online. You can watch it. You can also watch it as a part of Hump's Greatest Hits. Collection number three, streaming at humpfilmfest.com. But it's also on Vimeo, Pink Label TV.

[00:28:36] [SPEAKER_16] It's in other places. Ethan and Ty have released it into the world. It is amazing. Of all the films, the hundreds, thousands at this point of films that have screened as a part of the Hump Film Festival. It is the one that again and again, people walk up to me when they begin to talk to me about the Hump Film Festival and immediately bring up. Breakfast in Bed. So my favorites, Cabaret, Breakfast in Bed.

[00:29:03] [SPEAKER_12] Hey, Dan. On episode 1029, you were referencing, I believe, different body parts and you used butt and ass as seemingly two distinct things. And I always thought of those terms as rather interchangeable. You know, whether it's butt-fucking, ass-fucking. I don't know if one meant anus to you, but very curious to know what you meant by that.

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_16] I don't recall using butt and ass to refer to two different animals. I think of butt and ass the same way I think of dick and cock or pussy and twat. Sort of interchangeable. Depends on someone's comfort level. Butt, ass, dick, cock, pussy, twat. Use them interchangeably. I don't use ass in reference to one thing that's distinct from something else I might use butt in reference to.

[00:29:57] [SPEAKER_16] So if in one particular call you sense that I was using butt to refer to something and ass to refer to something else, maybe there's some pattern recognition at work there. Maybe you detected a pattern, but it was a pattern without meaning, a distinction without a difference. Because to me, butt and ass are the same thing. And I use those words like dick and cock interchangeably.

[00:30:22] [SPEAKER_03] Oh, hey, Dan, I have a quick question for you. When you say go get your sex toys at a female-owned shop, I thought I always kind of understood why you suggest that. But why do you do that? Is it, it's like assuming that all females are going to be upstanding and honest and use stuff with good products and stuff. And, and that, uh, is that it? Is that one?

[00:30:49] [SPEAKER_16] Sex shops, dirty bookstores, places people went to get porn, lube, sex toys before the woman-owned ones came along in the early 1990s were squalid, gross shitholes that made women feel uncomfortable. They were dirty, they were scummy, there were people fucking in the video booths at the back. I, as a man, would go into these places and feel unsafe and icky.

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_16] I would go into these places in the 80s, early 90s to get lube or poppers with my boyfriend and we would leave feeling like we needed to boil our shoes. Women-owned sex shops came along in the 90s. Places like Babeland in Seattle and Good Vibrations and places like Early Tibet in Chicago that came along later. And Shebop, the shop in Portland.

[00:31:42] [SPEAKER_16] And what distinguished them from sex toys of old is that they were clean and well-lit. And the women who worked there, the women who owned the places, weren't fucking creepy ass weirdos. And you felt like you were supporting an independent shop owned by women, owned by feminists. And you felt better about giving them your money.

[00:32:08] [SPEAKER_16] It felt like they were more concerned with the health and safety of the people who were shopping in them than your average scummy, dirty bookstore, dildo store, popper store, sex booths at the back place, squalid gross place with sticky floors and sticky walls from the past. So a woman-owned feminist sex shop just became a kind of code, a shorthand for a place you felt safe and comfortable in.

[00:32:35] [SPEAKER_16] And in a place where they weren't going to sell you mystery meat dildos made of God knows what, God knows where. They were going to do your screw diligence for you. And the toys that were in this shop, in a woman-owned sex shop that wasn't just trying to make as much money, that wasn't owned by the mob like a lot of those sex shops of old were, that the toys were going to be of good quality. And so you felt safe going there. You felt safe shopping there.

[00:33:03] [SPEAKER_16] You felt safe jamming the dildo that you bought there into your ass or into your snatch. So that's why, to this day, when I urge people to go buy a sex toy, I urge them to go to a woman-owned feminist sex toy shop because it was a better shopping experience and you got better toys from better people.

[00:33:26] [SPEAKER_00] Hi, Dan. Heterosexual woman here. I love hearing you talk about gay superpowers, but I'm wondering, are there any heterosexual superpowers you can highlight?

[00:33:37] [SPEAKER_16] The gay superpower that I cite most often here on the show is the ability to be friends with exes, which is something that straight people can do, could do, but don't seem to be capable of doing, which is why I jokingly refer to being friends with exes as the gay superpower. I have been to lesbian weddings where the officiant was an ex of one of the women getting married to somebody else.

[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_16] I have been to dinner parties where somebody has invited an ex because they wanted to introduce their ex to somebody else in their friend group that they thought might be a great match for their ex. That is the gay superpower. You didn't ask me to re-re-re-rehearse the gay superpowers. You asked me to cite a straight superpower. Oh, come on. I can think of two off the top of my head.

[00:34:32] [SPEAKER_16] You can travel wherever you want, show affection, except Saudi Arabia, where a straight couple from Bangladesh was fucking beheaded for the crime of PDA last month, whatever the fuck to that. Horrible. But the big straight superpower, the obvious straight superpower, you can make a baby. You can create life. When a man and a woman love each other very much and they want to have unprotected intercourse

[00:34:58] [SPEAKER_16] and they want to create a family together, they can fuck through that. They don't have to do paperwork. They can fuck it out. Now, straight people do spend most of their lives or spend most of their sex lives trying to avoid making a baby. But when you want to, barring infertility, of course, but when you want to, you can. And that's a beautiful thing about straight sex.

[00:35:26] [SPEAKER_16] Gay sex only makes a mess. Straight sex most of the time also only makes a mess. Gay sex all of the time for pleasure. Straight sex most of the time, almost all of the time for pleasure. But every once in a while, you motherfuckers make a baby. And that's magic. That is the defining straight superpower. And we, the homos, of course, we can do it too.

[00:35:53] [SPEAKER_16] Gay man and a lesbian can have sex when they want to, but it's not going to be a baby conceived in love, right? And we homos, we're, of course, grateful to you heteros for having that sex, that magic baby making sex every once in a while because you made us and you made our husbands and boyfriends. And we are grateful to you.

[00:36:14] [SPEAKER_19] Dan, what are three of your favorite smells?

[00:36:18] [SPEAKER_16] Left pit, right pit, crotch. But like I said in an intro earlier this year, I am not into the kink man smells. I am, however, into how my men smell. So I'm talking about very specific pits and crotches here. Let's see if I can do some non-sexual stuff. Terry's cooking. We've been together more than half my life. Terry is a great cook. And the smells of certain dishes he's been making for decades are comfort food for my nose. Smells like home. Smells like love.

[00:36:47] [SPEAKER_16] My boyfriend bakes cakes. And there is a rum cake he makes that smells so good. And the smell fills the house. My boyfriend has rules. He insists cake can't be eaten the day it's made. So he bakes on Saturday afternoon. And I have to wait a full day. I have to wait until Sunday night before I can have a piece. The smell is so good. The wait. The wait is torture. And leather. Oh, oops. Back to sexual shit. Okay, I'm done. Left pit, right pit, crotch.

[00:37:16] [SPEAKER_16] Terry's cooking. Boyfriend's cakes. Leather.

[00:37:18] [SPEAKER_09] Hi, Dan, Nancy, and the tech savvy at Risk Youth. This question is for the Quickie Show. And I was wondering what books Dan's been reading recently. Specifically, if you have any spicy recommendations.

[00:37:31] [SPEAKER_16] Right now, I'm reading How Democracies Die by Stephen Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt. Just to brace myself. I'm also rereading Unfortunately, She Was an Infomaniac, A New History of Rome's Imperial Women by Joan Smith, which came out a few years ago. Also, Lavinia, Julia, Messalina, all Roman empresses, daughters of Roman emperors, done dirty by ancient and modern historians alike. Smith's book is just, it's so, so good. And it makes these women come alive.

[00:38:00] [SPEAKER_16] Not spicy, but plenty of Roman orgies. And I'm also reading right now, because she's about to come on the Lovecast, Sarah Heppala's new memoir, The Only Thing There Is To Want. And I have been sleeping on this book. It's been out for a little bit. It is so, so good. It's a memoir about the three great loves of her life. If you're one of those people who jumps into comment threads to tear apart the other woman

[00:38:27] [SPEAKER_16] whenever somebody writes in to an advice column like mine, who is the other woman, I dare you, I double dog dare you to read The Only Thing There Is To Want by Sarah Heppala. And it's spicy, and it's really smart about love and marriage. And there are just some absolutely shattering lines in it. And I'm halfway through it and just fucking loving it.

[00:38:51] [SPEAKER_13] Hey, Lovecast crew. I'm a bisous woman on the verge of 50. And I recently started sleeping with an adorable trans guy half my age. The sex is fantastic. And when we're tired out afterwards, we eat ice cream together, which makes me think of you, Dan. You've mentioned ice cream a lot over the years. So now I want to know what kind. Our favorite is Ben and Jerry's non-dairy chocolate caramel brownie.

[00:39:13] [SPEAKER_16] I always bring up ice cream in the context of if you need to take a break during a three-way, if things get tense, if somebody's feeling left out, just take a break, go have some ice cream, jump back in. And it's actually, I have a personal connection to that. Funny story. Terry and I had a three-way with this guy. And it was great. The sex was really fun. This was a long time ago. And he was in an open relationship.

[00:39:41] [SPEAKER_16] His boyfriend was off having sex with somebody else at the same time. That's a Yahtzee, I think. And he hung out with us for a little bit afterwards. We had some ice cream and chatted. And when he got home and told his boyfriend, boyfriend was totally fine with the sex, blew the fuck up, really angry and hurt that he hung out with us afterwards. And we all had some ice cream lying around in bed together because that was not sex. That was intimacy.

[00:40:10] [SPEAKER_16] That was boyfriendship. That was relationship stuff. It didn't happen to me. My husband just blew up at me. But I felt bad for this guy, for this kid, that his boyfriend blew up at him. Not for getting Eiffel Towered by me and Terry, but for having some ice cream with me and Terry afterwards, which was my favorite ice cream, ironically, believe it or not, vanilla.

[00:40:37] [SPEAKER_14] This here is for the quickies. Let's say that J.B. Pritzker is elected president and it turns out he's a big furry. I guess koala, his first act as president is to require all U.S. citizens have their own fursona. What would Dan's be?

[00:40:50] [SPEAKER_16] Huh. No one has ever asked me, not even my couple of my friends who are furries, what my fursona would be. If I were a furry, and I guess in this dystopian future that you're imagining, President Pritzker is requiring us all to adopt personas. What would I pick? Well, I guess considering the number of times I've told my boyfriend I wouldn't mind crawling

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_16] up his ass and I could die happy in there, that my fursona would have to be then a gerbil. All right. Time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread at savage.love, where you will find many thoughtful comments about the Mormon church and last week's guest, Eli McCann. Please read his new novel, Stitched. It is so good.

[00:41:45] [SPEAKER_16] And why kids, especially girls, go through what I just learned is called Mormon fever. To dive into the Mormon debate, go to savage.love and click on last week's show. All right. Other comments. Says by Dan Phan, I have to apologize for laughing out loud at the former Mormon woman when she wondered whether it was too late for her to discover her own body in her late 20s. Call her. Perhaps that's past one's use-by date in Mormon circles, but in the real world, it's just getting started.

[00:42:14] [SPEAKER_16] And you are not alone. I didn't discover masturbation until I was in my mid-20s either, by Dan Phan continues, and without your religious baggage. Women take a while to come into their own sexually. You have nothing to feel ashamed about there. Says Jester to the non-binary caller into small dick humiliation. Try looking up bullying kink on Tumblr. You'll find lots of trans and non-binary people who are into what you're into.

[00:42:41] [SPEAKER_16] And finally, says Black David, Dan, you gotta bring back cutting people off. Good lord. Jane Redblonde and no cute name all jumped in to agree. I guess I used to cut people off or dial them down when the question went on too long. It's not Nancy's fault that some long-winded callers have gotten through. It is my job to cut callers off when they get long-winded. It is Nancy's job to cut me off when I get long-winded. We will both try to hashtag do better.

[00:43:10] [SPEAKER_16] All right, got something to say about something I said on this week's show. Jump into the comment threads at savage.love and you can say it there. Or if you want to say it here out loud on the podcast, go to savage.love slash ask Dan or text us a voice memo at 206-302-2064. You can also leave us a voicemail at that same number, 206-302-2064. And now, Savage Love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show.

[00:43:39] [SPEAKER_18] Hello. I was listening to episode 1042 and it was about the mom who had called in worried about their kid going to the Mormon church with their friends. I went to the Mormon church with a friend in my 20s, so I was a little bit older. But it might be worth mentioning not only that they're very pushy, which they were, it was just ridiculous, is that the subjugation of women and meaning I had to wear a dress or a skirt. And I also noticed that there were no women in leadership and that was super off-putting.

[00:44:08] [SPEAKER_18] So I would just recommend that mom gently mentioned that, that he noticed that because it was very off-putting and I never went back and I never have any desire to go back despite any sort of love bombing.

[00:44:19] [SPEAKER_11] Hi, this is a response to the woman in episode 1042 who is newly discovered she's bi and is with her first woman, but she doesn't have the sexual desire. I think it just boils down to she's just not your type. And you have just discovered this part of yourself. And it takes a little dating around to figure out what you do and you don't like.

[00:44:43] [SPEAKER_11] And so I think you're discovering like whatever her vibe is, is just not your type. And that's okay to have a type. You need to be a little superficial. That connection really matters at the beginning because you want to be attracted to them enough and desire them enough to launch the rest of the intimate relationship.

[00:45:07] [SPEAKER_04] Hi, Dan. I have a comment on the episode 1042 in which a caller was wondering whether or not it was worth it to save up orgasms. Not for the caller, but for you. I'm 100% on board. Completely agree that we should have all the orgasms we want. We need to save them up. But Dan, if you do want people to have more orgasms, maybe don't equate them with Jay Leno and Doritos.

[00:45:37] [SPEAKER_04] It seems antithetical to what you were going for there.

[00:45:42] [SPEAKER_16] And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Go to savage.love slash askdan or email us a voice memo at q at savage.love or record and text your question to 206-302-2064 or call that number and leave us a message on our answering machine. And if you tried something new and you want to tell me all about it, email us at q at savage.love and you might be my next guest on After Action Report.

[00:46:07] [SPEAKER_16] The Hump Film Festival, the best-dor-dil film festival in the world, is everywhere this weekend. Ithaca, Boston, LA, Tacoma, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Durham, North Carolina. To watch the trailer and get tickets to a screening now before they sell out, go to humpfilmfest.com. And your submission for the 2027 Hump Film Festival is due soon. Head to humpfilmfest.com for all the info you need. Hump is free to enter, and if your film makes it into the festival, you actually get a check.

[00:46:37] [SPEAKER_16] Submissions due by November 6th for Hump 2027. Again, all the info you need, including tickets for screenings and trailers for the Hump Film Festival. On tour right now, humpfilmfest.com. Follow me at bluesky at dansavage. Follow me on Instagram at dansavage. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by the amazing Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech-savvy, at-risk youth, and hopefully Democratic majorities in the House and Senate. We'll all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for telling me.

[00:47:29] [SPEAKER_16] Today's episode was brought to you by Love Unlimited. 90 days to decide if you love it, and if you don't, they'll help you find something you do. For a limited time, all toys are buy one, get one 50% off. If you are like me, you are going to love the Love Ants Domi 2. It's a vibrator. Oh my God, it is life-changing. Go to loveunlimited.com slash savage or use code savage at checkout. Love Ants Domi 2.